to change...

im scared, scared that you will wake up one day and leave...leave without notice, without an excuse, just leave.... and leave me here...once again... i dont want that to happen....and i can see you are changing, i can see every little thing you do to make me feel better, and to show me you are in this, that we are in this together....but the fear is there...it can only leave with time....
i wish everyday would be like the day i saw in your eyes no fear to love me back....and to give yourself the chance to be happy..... your past is your past...our past is our past...and it should stay there....i dont want to talk about it anymore, i dont want to think about it anymore.... what is done is done....looking towards what may come is the only thing we have left.....so please....let go...let me catch you....when will you understand that i will not be going anywhere? and dont be afraid...i dont depend on you, i can live on my own....i just dont want to

uhmm...maybe i am wrong

Last night, at dinner, i put on my brave face and told her the news...her face was stone cold..she didnt express an emotion...she just put down her fork, looked straight to my eyes and said: please tell me you are fucking joking me....i will not discuss this with u, i live too far away to hold your hands and your tears when he brakes your heart...once again.... M, please...please...dont do it to yourself....why? why would u even consider it?
i didnt know what to reply...i was looking back at her....i dunno maybe i hoped she would tell me that if i loved him, then good luck....but she was determined to not let me say those words...she stared at me....i stared back..... and at that point i rewinded my mind, and thought, that my girls all have the same opinion....so maybe i am the one who is in the wrong side..... i had to ask her...the others wouldnt know as much as she knows, she is, after all, my mirror and my history book (i have a very very light memory, i forget everything)....and i asked her: was it that BAD???? cause i cant seem to recall...amen, i know i had cried and i was hurt..but did i really went through hell and back?
She said: it was horrible....those were the worst months of your life, it was constant tears, constant fighting, never sure of what you had, your smile was random...and u know how i hated yr 1st bf, but with him, you were happy while it lasted, you only got hurt at the end.....with X....oh boy..... i dont want you to go back that road.....M, you have so much in you, give it to someone else....someone who wouldnt play u......

and that was it. Case closed...K didnt want to talk about it anymore, she just pleaded me to give up and move on, to just be me, to forget the love , if there ever was any (her words not mine).....

and i think to myself...did he actually played me? is my memory so thin that i dont recall that hell?i know i was upset and didnt know how to get to him, but..... was it that BAD

but...i trust him....is this fucked up? have i reached the maximum level of insanity? why do i keep holding on to him, do i really feel i can make him happy? wouldnt i lose my happiness if i follow that road? was Dj right? was i already emotionally damaged when he loved me? is X the cause of my damage? what the hell is going on? do i love him or do i just want to prove a point?

i think i am falling in love, and i know i am not making a mistake...my family is all right with it.....shouldnt K be alright with it as well.....?????

uffff

would you for once look at me back?

before u read this i may clarify that i am not schizophrenic, nor i suffer from illusion....i just type this blog as it comes...feelings reemerge when ppl of my past appear out of nowhere and i feel like expressing myself....

One last drop...

you and i clash...just like a thunderstorm.... u do this, i do that and one of us, or both will end up hurt...we wont win this game...so, lets call it quits...allright? lets just be....whatever we are meant to be....friends we are not.... maybe efriends.... and nothing is wrong with u, is just that like me, u are afraid of commitment....u dont want to be tied down, and when i make a move u run, when u make a move, i am already 500 km away from u... we dont ve the right timing nor the right place...maybe i dont even have the heart to endure u another time.....maybe...just maybe....

y0u have grown up....and u r great as a person....just not great for me.....and i am not good for u...trust me on this one...i ll give u a headache every single day of your life... but i want to see you happy...more than anything...cause in a perversed, twisted way, i love you, i care for you and i just want to hug u till u cant breath again.... (so i ll prevent u from opening that stupid mouth of yours!)

so...the last drop just let the tap and filled the glass.... now i look at u...would u, for once look at me back?

when did i ever do the most sensible thing?

it has been over a year already....and you are right, my life is a mess without u... nothing seems to fit anywhere, and im like a ghost, living day to day, waiting for it to end...just to get some sleep and find a kind of peace...which i hardly find...

i miss you, i miss being part of something worthwhile... of waking up and find myself trapped by your arms....i miss your burps, my cooking..my laughs and smiles....most of all i miss feeling whole...

and i know you are right.I definetly know i am wrong...very..very...extremely wrong..and i know going back to you would make my life better and hopefully i would find happiness again...and that such decision would be the most reasonable thing to do...but babe...you know me extremely well.. when did i ever do the most sensible thing? NEVER

i tend to go against the flow...i tend to find new ways of hurting myself and putting myself down...somehow i believe happiness wasnt meant to last for me...

and maybe is just normal to feel like i miss you....i did gave you my all and i did share my life with you for far too long....

so please, try and forget me, cause aint good for you and i cant be your friend.....

i will always love you...cause u ll be forever the keeper of my heart.

that sadness

there is sadness in your eyes, and it bugs me...but now, unlike years ago, i know there is nothing i can do about it...i can only be here, on the side, giving you my hand, my shoulder, anything you need to just support yourself.... i ve always wanted to see the day where happiness woudl irradiate from you..lately i ve lost hope to one day see that..but im here for you...i ve always be, always will... i love you and it pains me to see you like this...there is no hope back there, is it? hun, there is hope, you will see....it might take years and years...but one day u ll rise....and even if you wont want it, i ll be there...like a shadow...always ready to catch you....just dont force yourself, and trust my strenght...i can catch you

what if?

Dear M.A., if I had married you…. Our wedding would have been in a catholic church, situated in a beach. barefoot and with the sun going down…that would have been the day where I would have met your friends and family… we would have 2 children by now, I would be an architect and you would be a copywriter, we would be living in a nice house, with dogs….our married life prior the children would have consisted in drugs, fights and movies. Our life after the children would have probable been silence and movies…fighting would never be an option, neither would be divorce… I would be living my life as a shadow of yours, always in the back row… adoring you, loving every bit of your existence but at the same time wondering what could have been if you had let me go….I would be driving a prius and you would be 2…our children would go to the most expensive school in the city and our Sundays would be spent in the Country Club…holidays? Orlando for summer and your country house for winter times…

Dear A.M, if I had married you… I would be living in Kent, in a manor house, a one with a name, not a number…you would have converted to Catholicism, and we would have had 3 weddings…one in the UK, one in Italy and one in Dr… just to keep all of our friends happy…we would have lost the bet!!! In addition, you would have had to pay the tickets and hotel stay for our friends…and I wouldn’t stop nagging about it I would be your princess in your great castle… we would have 2 children, a boy and a girl. send them to private pre-schools and travel every few months for holidays to the Caribbean, to mainland Europe and we would never go to the USA…I would be a marketing executive by paper, but I would have stayed at home to raise our children…you would be a big shot lawyer in the city, commuting every day…. Although you will still drive, a Mercedes (the latest in the market).....

Our common friends would always have a place in our house… we would have been supportive of each other’s and happy….

those are the two ifs..... my two big loves.....

walk out on me once...is yr fault....twice is mine....

how is it that i feel less alone when i am surrounded by strange people? when im all physically alone in a foreign country? where none knows me??? this i cant understand.... find me in a room filled with the people i love and ask me how i feel and my answer will be: lonely....ask me in a room filled with strnage people....and i ll say: whole....

leaving the country for the weekend made me some real good.... i had time to think...to relax...and to see my world from another point of view...the day before i left...well the night...i went out and had a weird night out...there were enourmous amounts of Grey Goose involved, plus great music and friends... but someone just appeared at the place...and i wasnt expecint go see him anymore... i left confused...not knowing what to do..... should i have a chat with him,? tell him that things will have to go my way this time or is better to forget them? or should i just lock into my old self an dblock him out of my life??? i didnt know the answer b4 i left...now im going back with a clear mind and concience....im definetly not going to talk to him....i ll close it without him even noticing..just like he did to me last time we were together...he disappeared without givin me 2 weeks notice...and he crushed my world.... now is my turn, i deserve much better than him...yes...it is probable i will not find another who will give me so much calmness....yes....im probably not going to find the guy to whom i dont feel like figthing cause we just understand eachothers.....but i can live with that...in fact i look foward to a life of fighting and headaches...but knowing that that person will not leave me out in the cold without telling me b4 hand.... 

i do.... all these is worth it as long as i dont have to go through the hell he put me through the first time he decided to walk out on me......

poem of 2004

look at me now
I'm not the girl you used to know
I've been through difficulties
and learned to not let my emotions show.

I've experienced heartbreak
and I've fell in love
I've taken to drinking
and I've partied in the clubs.

I've had one night stands
held so many tears back
and watched my life stray off course.

Watched a baby being born
said my first "I love you"
thrown hotel parties
and did whatever I said I'd do.

All these things I've done
since the time you said goodbye
I was just so young
and I do admit that I did cry.

But now I'm all grown up
Three years have passed me by
I see more clearly now
because innocence made me blind.

And that girl you used to know
is no longer in me
Maybe if you hadn't let her go
this isn't the way things would be.

pitch black

everything is pitch black... cant seem to find the bloody light...is 3 yrs that i can find the north...im just passing the days...and i want so bad to live again...to smile without pretending...to have joy.... 

15 yrs of friendship.... ILY

Cuando nadie estaba ahí para mi, y pensé que a nadie le importaba. Cuando todo el mundo me dio la espalda, y pensé estar sola…Tú estabas ahí

Cuando la persona que más confiaba en esta vida, me engaño… Tú me abrazaste

Cuando mi mundo rosado se cayó a pedazos…Tú llegaste sin llamarte.

Cuando todo lo que necesitaba era una amiga, que me escuchara, que recogiera mis lágrimas...tú me las secaste.

Cuando mi corazón me dolía tanto, que no podía ya respirar...Cuando lo único que quería hacer era acostarme y morir...tú me levantaste...

Pero tambien....

Cuando me enamoré por primera/2da y tercera vez.... Tú te alegraste

Cuando me aceptaron en la Universidad...Tú abriste el sobre conmigo

Cuando mi hermana vino al mundo...Tú estabas a mi lado para recibirla

Cuando me di mi primera borrachera...Tú te emborrachaste conmigo

Así que no lo dudes, aun después de tantos años, tantas distancias, estamos unidas…y algún día seremos nosotras las de la foto…

 

eight years....fly...

eight years ago..to the date i was a simple teenage girl...who couldnt wait to leave the island, i already had my placement in university, and i thought i had my life all figured out, i had wanted that place for so long, that getting it was a miracle (i was just a girl from a spanish school and since all the ppl from the english schools had already bein rejected, i honestly thought i didnt have a chance)(silly me) , and then one day, in october 2000 i realized i was inlove..in a way i had never been, i was floating in air, i was glowing inside and out, and the object of my affection seemed to love me too....and i blurted out, i told him i loved him....i think he got shocked, but i was naive, and wasnt afraid to show what was really going inside of me..... 

and i miss my old self...the happiness i saw in everything, the lack of irony and cinicism, the feel of vulnerability, of not being afraid of showing it...of believing that that was it.... my first love.... 

and now i find myself distrusting everyone around... thinking what are they after and im missing the best of life.... i would love to be a little less careless and see the world in the same pink colour my parents painted it for me...im going to work on that.....

the past should stay there...in the past

i wasnt expecting in him ever ever contacting me again... he called to see how i was doing..and he opened a can of worms...yes, cause i was FINE living without him, i was doing just OK...he added me to his FB and i accepted it...we chatted on gmail... why did i accept? i dont know...maybe cause i was curious about his whereabouts...how life was treating him....

Leaving him, breaking off the relationship wasnt easy, it took me time and courage to break it off... i almost believe it was like a divorce..,.or worse....when you share your life with someone for so long, the moment you call it quits a bit of you ends right there and then, and you ll never get it back...if you have been in my situation u ll understand...if you havent...well.... u r warned! 

i always knew i would ve never had left him if i stayed in the UK , but i was here and he was there...2 years i could handle...but more...i couldnt... and i was aware of the two of us who loved more was him..he adored me, the floor i touched was magic for him...although he did expect my decision, he didnt accept it...

and all this while, that i ve been in the island, i ve been dating, and lately crushing...but things really never go anywhere...i had a theory you see? i had a theory that he still hold on to me..he hadnt let me go and that love , that energy was giving me bad luck and preventing from go to dating casually to proper dating.... and also that i was greiving in my own silent way, putting a shell...but more of it was that his energy was affecting me..aa.

and today i proved, well he proved to me that my theory was just right... he still holds on to me...he doesnt learn to let it go...he looked at my FB photos and this is what he said , and i quote :"  see a picture with u and some fucking guy and then i start getting ulcer pains cos i wanna slap the mother fucker for smiling in a picture with the most imporant thing in my life"........me....speechless.... i didnt know how to react to that statement...im the most important thing in his life...and i told him to let me go, to just accept out fate...but i dont think it will go until he wants to let go.... 

and is hurting me to know that he is hurting... it really is... i might come out as cold hearted, but i loved him...i shared so much with him...he was a part of my life but i guess i was his life....... 

i pray that he forgets me...cause aint worthed of his love...i ve issues...i ve other things in my life and i feel i really him to release me from this...... 

crushing like a teen

i have a crush...a crush who sits beside me @ school, a crush that was a friend until he decided to kiss me...a crush that doesnt know he is my crush.... in fact, he believes he is so out of my league that there is no place for him in my life...he believe i love someone else....and do i say anything? no...i keep playing this game..of subtle looks...of hands sharing the same space and sometimes touching...and when he touches me...butterflies and all are all over my body.... and im happy... for 4 hours a day im happy...cause i had not felt like this in ages, cause the anticipation, the wisper, the chats that we share.. we are like partners in crime..we are crushing on eachother....i can feel it...i can see it.... and it will stay that way...cause maybe he is right to believe what he believes...and maybe im just entertaining myself .... 

but im crushing..... hehehehehhe...... i dont think its advisible for me to drink on friday night..i dont think i lll be able to hold this crush when mixed with vodka and cramberry...and his eyes on me...uhmmmmmm

well ppl, just in case you didnt notice..i feel like a teenage girl..and...ITS AWSOME!!!!!

Meme

Si fuera palabra: Nostalgia
Si fuera número: 5
Si fuera bebida: Mies 
Si fuera animal: Ave
Si fuera pájaro: Águila
Si fuera algo de la casa: Televisor
Si fuera una zona del cuerpo: Ojos
Si fuera una obra de arte: Monalisa
Si fuera flor: Trinitaria
Si fuera dibujo animado: Madrina de Padrinos Magicos
Si fuera una película: When Harry Met Sally
Si fuera una fruta: Melon
Si fuera un recuerdo: Un atardecer en la playa
Si fuera color sería: Fucsia
Si fuera un sentimiento sería: Amor
Si fuera un sentido: Vista
Si fuera un partido político o un político sería: Independiente
Si fuera una fecha sería: ...
Si fuera un juego infantil: 1,2,3 Stella!
Si fuera un planeta sería: Marte
Si fuera algo del baño sería: Lozas
Si fuera un instrumento musical sería: Guitarra
Si fuera una figura geométrica sería: Circulo
Si fuera un idioma sería: Esperanto
Si fuera uno de los 7 pecados capitales sería: Vanidad
Si fuera un día de la semana: Miercoles
Si fuera una prenda de vestir: Vestido de verano
Si fuera un país: Inglaterra
Si fuera una comida: Helado
Si fuera una frase sería: “A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left. "

that third kiss

he kissed me once out of nowhere, i didnt expected it, not from him...he was my friend.... he kissed me twice... again i didnt expected it...and this time i told him i was in love with someone...he kissed me the third time, out of nowhere and something changed inside of me....i kissed him back....but not wholly as i should ve...i had spent the whole night thinkin about the otherone... and after the third kiss, the talk that said i couldnt go out with them anymore cause he constantly wanted to kiss me and had to held back cause i had someone in my life.... and after the look...that look i cant forget and that look that prevented me today to look at him, cause i was scared to see what i saw the other night.... and that third kiss, when he said how lucky the guy is....me not saying anything, me not telling him that me and the other are no longer together, that i have shut him out...that i cant carry with that relationship... why didnt i say anything? why did i let him believe i was with someone else? i honestly dont know... 

all i know is that he didnt ve me at hello...he had me at his third kiss..... 

but the third kiss brought awkwardness between us.... i cant be in the same room as him by myself, i cant talk to him and look into his eyes, he cant either... he kissedc me today , in my cheek, a kiss that almost left me a bruise, but he came from behind and i didnt notice his arrival... 

now i look at the sky and ask why? why him? why now? why not before.. why do i ve this urge to kiss him in front of a crowd, like a teenage girl.. and at the same time i still feel i do have some deep feelings for the other (love? nah..) 

anyway, enough with my kisses.... i heard this song yesterday and i felt it was me singing it...to him (not the third kiss, the other) ENJOY!

I BRUISE EASILY

My skin is like a map, of where my heart has been
And I can't hide the marks, but it's not a negative thing
So I let down my guard, drop my defences, down by my clothes
I'm learning to fall, with no safety net, to cushion the blow

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart, carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath I bruise easily, I bruise easily

I've found your finger prints on a glass of wine
Do you know you're leaving them all over this heart of mine too
But if I never take this leap of faith I'll never know
So I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath I bruise easily, I bruise easily

Anyone who, can touch you, can hurt you, or heal you
Anyone who, can reach you, can love you, or leave you

So be gentle
So be gentle
So be gentle
So be gentle

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart, carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath I bruise easily, 

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart, carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath I bruise easily, I bruise easily

I bruise easily
I bruise easily

to you

I ve my own demons to chase,

Cant follow you,

Cant help you....

be careful what you wish for

maybe we dont have the right timing...or maybe is that i have lost my ability to fall inlove...all i know is that you asked...and i just stared right back at you...i wasnt expectng it..not from you, not now...im scared i do not how to leap...i ve lost the ability to do so, without looking 100 times before, to check...im not the same..i dont believe in it anymore...too much water has passed under the bridge... yet as i feel like running a 1000 miles an hour from you, you take my hand and a sense of calmness...of happiness....takes over me...weird.....

The chain has been broken

How sad it it that you wake up a day to late? Do you now understand the power of one phonecall? It took me a long road, a harder heart, and too many things to mention now..but it broke, the chain finally broke and i am free... your double meanings, your uncertainities, you lack of decision, have decided your own fate..at least your fate with me. You disappointed me so many times before, and i kept on hoping, that one day you would wake up...and you did, but a day too late.... Now i do not want your name on my phone screen, nor my msn,gmail,or facebook...I put you in a box, the one i never reopen, never check, the one that is sent to the oblivion of my past mistakes...Maybe i didnt tell you this time around, but i did in the past, i told you many times, the moment i ll leave you, when i will really leave you, you will not know it, you will not forsee it, it will just come. You will wake up and you will not know what the heck hit you.... I told you , you didnt pay attention to me, cause i know im a softy, romanitc and i believe in love, in true love, but i dont believe it has to be a one way road, its 2, and honey, i have stopped waiting for you to come towards me....

I am free, completely and utterly free...

magic times

Two friends, walking through the old streets of Rome, getting into everysingle alley, talking about life, their dreams, their past, how much good University was, and afraid of what the future might hold...two ppl, a man and a woman, eating lunch in some fancy place, made for turists in the middle of Piazza Navona, laughing at themselves, wondering what on earth are they eating with turists..they are italians! They look at stores, but dont buy anything, they talk about books, they decide to eat ice cream in the spanish steps... even though the weather is not so good...and then the sun starts to set in... slowly but surely..the colors in the magic city change, everything looks so beautiful. They walk to the Villa D'este, and watch the sky and what to they see? a Hot air balloon...and they look at eachother and start running towards it, they want to ride in it!! when they arrive, with no breath (cause they are both smokers), they find out it has just closed..is getting late...and the guy says: well another day, the girl: do u think there will be another time? 

And they walk back to the spanish steps, the lights are turning up, the cold weather gets chillier and chillier, he takes her to the subway and hugs her goodbye, and says: i had a wonderful time, i wish we wouldnt be moving so far away from eachother.....and they both felt it..after 3 years of platonic friendship, after an inmense amount of alcohol consumed together, sleepovers in the sofas, study marathons, picnic in Vicky park..that moment, the moment they are going to say goodbye (maybe forever), they realize , they wish, they had gone further in their friendship, but there is no time anymore.... one goes south, the other goes across the pond...there is a promise to see eachoter again, maybe he will take his boat to the caribbean..but thats just promises....and that was long ago... and everytime i see a hot air balloon, in the internet, i think of that moment..i was the girl, and we didnt see eachother anymore...we have drift apart, eachone in its own world...where are u my dear friend and how is life treating you? 

rain rain and more rain!!!!

Im tired of the rain! Enough! and is not cause the streets look like rivers (although not as much as few years back), and not cause the sun i miss, i hate the rain cause is HOT, amen, HOT RAIN! I want cold weather, cold rain, the whole deal, this hot, rain only makes it worse..... 

but my post is not going to be about the horrible weather we are having this summer...

my best friend is broken hearted, and im not there with her...and i wish i was, just comfort her, cause she did make the best decision, but i know is though...after 3 years of living together, after purchasing a house, after all the upside downs she called it quits. She stopped loving him and left. I admire her for that, cause i would have never had the guts to do something like that...amen, i 2 lived with my ex 4 a year, but then we had 2 years of long distance relationship (a bummer), but it was so HARD for me to break up...the feeling was not the same, but we had shared so much, our lives had become entwined, and i was SCARED to put myself out there, to start anew, to change my dreams and goals that i had share with him for four years in total...and after so much thinking i did it...it was awful, waking up and realizing all the sacrifices i had made i felt i had threw it down the drain.. it was hard cause i 2, like my friend now, i was alone, amen, i had my family and my friends from DR, but i didnt have my REAL friends, the ones that really count..they were all oever the world UK, Spain, SIngapore, ITaly and USA...

And after 12 months of have completely cut him out of my life...sometimes i do wonder if i made a mistake, but then i realize, it had to be done.... and i have survived that, and with some scars, and some extra baggage, but after 12 months i do think i am where i never expected to be... at peace with myself and getting rid of all the past.....

I cant run anymore

Maybe its me, maybe I have changed,
But I no longer find it in me the need to save you,
To save you from yourself, and from what you will become.
Here I am, I would give you this world and the other, and yet
You do not take it,
You run, and at my age, I am done with running,
I vowed I wouldn’t run, after you,
And funny enough I understand you now , more than ever,
Cause im the one who has run away, for far too long,
And didn’t let him catch me, just like you are doing it to me.
I didn’t let him help me, when all he wanted was recue me,
I left, and never looked back.
Do I regret it? Yes, when specimens like you come to my life, I regret it,
I regret, that I run, I regret not looking back, I reget getting on that plane three years ago.
Cause I was safe. The world was handed to me and I rejected it.
But I blame me, not the world, not him for pushing too hard, not anyone, but me.
And I find myself drawn to people just like me
With emotional voids inside of them
With pain not visible to the human eye, and I try to save them,
But im running out of patience, I don’t ve it in me anymore
There is so much pain a person can endure,
And I have come to the maximum.

So feel free to run as fast as you want, I will not chase after you,
As I said it before, I don’t ve it in me anymore…..

DEL

"I can be good, real good at deleting people from my memory/heart"

against the flow

I have this feeling, im a different person, 8 years, 2 serious relationships could just suppress the feeling, but did not delete it...

Is it love? is it lust? is it just remembering a past where i was happy? but then again, is not like ourt past was a walk in the park, in fact our relationship was more of a wild rollercoaster ride, with way too many bumps, still, even though i was with someone else, living with that person, waking up by his side and being super happy, he was always there, like a shadow, like a memory i could not delete completely....

You hear all this stories, of ppl who get together after years and years, and it looks like a fairytale, i dont believe in those, but now.... now i know we have both grown, i feel it, im way much chill out...and after all my experiences, i can only trust him more...is like..i dont know...is this love?????? is this what ppl experience?????

I trust him, too much...i believe what he says, i trust him not to betray me, i trust him not to hurt me on purpose...i TRUST someone..thats weird..pretty pretty weird.... and all i want to do is hug him, and wake up next to him day after day, and face the world together.....

But...how do i explain this feeling to the ppl that surround me? how do i explain he coming back to my life without causing a world war III?

this time i have all the time in the world, i will not rush , i ll savor every single moment, and when everything is settled..... i ll be ready to go, once again..against the flow......

Back to square 1

Looking back, and searching for a clue, for a simple one that would help me determine the basis of all my problems, a clue that will show me where everything started going downhill..and looking back to ones life like a rollercoaster, if u really look, you understand your mistakes and the worst part is when u realize, that most of the time you didnt learn the lesson, and although now u do realize what the lesson was, you still can not absorb it..and u wonder why? am i so stupid, or is a matter of stubborness, or im just plain naive.... uhmmm

True to be told, circumstances do make you grow walls, almost impenetrable walls towards others, towards whatever tries to come in..but what happens when you realize that there was one person, one situation, one experience that make you selfaware of the damages that can come frm the outside world, that one person, who opened up your eyes, and made you aware, thought u how to not believe in everything you saw or heard..and with the help of that person you built it all up, up up up, with just a little window, so a little light could come in, but nothing more... and then you use this walls with everyone that came into your life... you spend first 2.5 yrs with one person, and the poor thing can not even climb the walls, although thinks he has, you just cant let them near your heart.... and then, another one makes the attempt... you do let him see a glimpse of whats goin on inside, he tries and tries to heal you, to make you back to the person you were before ... but no, you give him 2-3 yrs, and then is off... you cant bare the thought of putting all down and actually find yourself vulnerable again, complete emotionally available to another human being...but then, oh then......

what a disaster it is, when you realize that all those walls you ve put up, all those years that have passed you by, all the people that have come into your life and tried and tried to be there, tried to open you up...all of it was in vain.... in vain, cause now, you are standing in front of the same person that gave you such a valuable lesson, and..... just like that...all your walls come crashing down..like if 8 years had not passed you by.... like if everything was just a BAD BAD BAD nightmare....and you are back being who you were, you are back trusting... but you are trusting him...the person , the teacher.......the one person that you know, in your brain, that you should not let in again, but no matter how much you fight it.... you dont feel afraid, you feel.... COMPLETE......

But time has passed by, scars u didnt ve in your soul back then, are present now... and you do have some grey matter in your brain, that tells you to be careful....and you do not know what to do.... do you leap? knowing that you are surely going to get hurt? do you stay put? wondering all your life what would have happened if u had leapt????

I leap now... and all my 8 years would seem like a charade...a silly attempt to move on...just to go back where it all started... back to square 1......

enough

i have given up utterly, completely in finding the other person. I came to the conclusion that some ppl are just not meant to find it, and that our soulmates are our friends... and im fine with that, im not upset or anything. i just stopped.

Enough.

Is not bad being single, im loving it, and i dont like seeing ppl breaking up only to confirm me that love is just as fragile as any crystal glass.... so instead of living inmy own fairytale world, waiting for prince charming, i ll no longer wait, i ll just live.

I guess i lost hope long time ago, but now is when i actually accept it... so thats it for me, had enough, cant handle anymore.

down down down

My body is aching... my lungs are cleaning themselves, my mind has its goals straight...but my soul...my soul just would not catch up...

I find myself trapped, in a vicious cycle, the cycle of the day of im feeling great, im single and fabulous, the next day im single and fabulous but cant seem to understand whats wrong with me why cant i find a decent guy, and the day i feel like shit, like i ll be an old lady, alone...and the cycle keeps repeating itself...

I like being single, but i want to feel inlove 2.... ufffy...... not a good day 2day.... i ll blame it on the nicote withdrawls symptoms....

Today is the day when I decided 2 change

Ok, today i woke up, with various determinations:

1. I will stop smoking
2. I will start again writing my book
3. I will start eating good food, no more junk food
4. I will start using my excercise machina
5. I will get back on my daily yoga routine
6. I will be positive
7. I will learn to smile again

Ok, maybe im setting myself a few too many goals... but is like the great sleeping weekend i had (sleep therapy, self induced, no drugs (i.e. Cataflam, Tylenol, etc.) nor alcohol included) , and i woke up new!

It is time i let go of the past, for good.... i need to pick myself up, decide where i want to go and what i want to do... Is time to look at this life like it is: momentaneous... doesnt last too long , so i gotta grab it and live it while i can....

I ve stopped smoking, in my own terms, because i keep having weird dreams that i ll die of cancer or stuff related..in the weekend the few cigarrettes i had i did not finish, cause this terrible feeling came to me, every time i had a drag, i would feel like i was punishing my body.... so... this mornign i started smoke free!!! i know i ll be cranky for a while, but eventually i ll b fine :)

Since June 2005 my life has been hell, literally...nothing went well... i changed cause all the fucked up things that happened, fucked me up (sorry for my french ppl).... and i think it is about time i let go of all the angriness i have, and all the bitterness my past brought me... i was a happy person, i had the perfect life.... and im glad for that, but i want it back, and none can rescue me from myself, none..but me...

life as i knew it

The other day i watched again PS:I love you... and i was PMSing, so u can imagine the scene, me, the TV, loads of chocolates, popcorn and soda... and a pack of kleenex (which were not used)... i watched it, and got me thinkig... the moment i kissed TD for the first time i felt it , i felt my life was changing, that it wouldnt be the same again... i was in another dimension, i found something different and i knew i would be defying my society by loving him, i didnt care...at that moment...and i didnt care for the next 3 years.. the 4th (which was the 2nd in a long distance relationship)...that difference took a stoll on me..i begane to realize that it just wouldnt work, i had an amazing time with him, but i was a different person, and i was surprised, cause the last time i saw him, i didnt feel a thing, that was IT.....

I do believe in LOVE, but i also believe that LOVE changes, what was perfect becomes imperfect and life has a its ways to screw things up.... maybe i didnt love him enough, maybe i wasnt ready to make the big step...but the summary of all this is that i left and from time to time, i do feel a hole in my heart, i miss him terribly, i wish i could go back home and have him there waiting for me, but that is just loneliness talking, cause i know we wouldnt work anymore...is just not happening, and as much as i miss him, im full aware he wasnt THE GUY for me...but then again.. is there one????????

Maybe there is.... but im way to scared to actually accept him in my life... i think i have a tendency to find guys who I know will be no good, who i do not see a future with, and is all because i DONT want to COMMIT....im petrified, i love the feeling of belonginess u have in a committed relationship, but is too much work, and at this stage in my lfie, i just cant be bothered to put that amount of energy....

But will this feeling go away??will i be able to be wanting to commit to one person??? will i be able to accept a decent one in my life????

well, while i wait for those answers to be answered... i ll keep on partyin at weekends with the girls, dating for fun and enjoy every single minute of this life....cause that all i ve now..... :)

Two days in paris

On Sat night i went to the movies with my gfs and we watched this amazin movie..TWO DAYS IN PARIS... i didnt ve high expectations of such movie, and i thought it was going to be a chickflick...but man... was i wrong..it disected relationships, and at the end, she says something so true...and relates totally to me... here it goes:
"It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses. "

So, please rent it out, is worth it!!!!!

a girls night out

Last night i had a very nice night. For the first time in ages, i had a night out with a girl, and i didnt know how much i missed female bonding till then... my boys are cool and all, but sometimes you just need a female perspective...
She just came back to Dr, frm her studies abroad, and we kept complaining about the things we cant do here and the things we most miss about Europe... and there are so many...we both miss terribly go to the park, lie down and read books, and none bothering us , none trying to chat you up; we miss going to cafes and sit in complete silence, or go to clubs dressed the same way we went to class... but now that i look back what i miss the most is solitude.not loneliness, but just being quiet, in my own dimension and none around to bothering me....Amen europeans like the caribbean and latin countries for their lovely personality and cause you never feel alone, but its gets under your skin, when ppl dont seem to mind their bloody business, when ppl dont understand that one day, just one, for a few hours you need to be by yourself with your thoughts... and i know, i can do that in my house, but why should i retreat in my own house in order to be left alone, and why can i just lay down in a beach and enjoy the nature around me and the noise of the water??? Why??? Cause someone , out of nowhere will come and interrupt my thoughts... someone will come and ask me if i want dreadlocks, will ask me if i want something to drink, if i want something to eat...or there is always some bloody man who will ask you whats up? and women are not supposed to be alone in those places, and this whole thing is upsetting....

Im not a bitch nor am a ermitrania, im just someone who once in a while needs to enjoy life alone... and i did miss the warmth of the DR ppl, while i was in the UK, but i didnt miss it as much as i miss my privacy...

Oh.... and plus there is "what ppl might think talk" Jesus Christ, i can not even go to the supermarket that I WILL MEET someone that i know or that knows someone in my family, or to a CLUB (although i have been pretty lucky the last 2 fridays, i didnt see anyone i knew , apart frm the MBA ppl)... even the concierge,will talk about my arrival time to the house, and what car drove me home....uhmmm...so much gossiping, is exhausting...dont u all think???? I really dont care what ppl say, but my parents do...and i am a good grl (deep deep down) amen, i do not sleep around, i might snog a few ppl on the way, but i dont sleep just for the sake of sleeping, but i am independent, i go out when i please, i come back home whenever i want and i can drink like a man if i want to, i smoke cigarettes....and just cause all this traits, some ppl might think im a loose cannon...until the know me... and like my boys... respect me.....while there are others, who have a "pantalla", show to the outside world what they want to see , but are complete loose girls.... uhmmmmm

well... i have been rambling a lot lately... i better go... 2 nite is poker night at TO's place..and tmw we r going to watch independent movies... i ll keep u posted,

Another day

We had an incident at the Embassy on Monday..One of the women that works here (and that have the contract directly with the Italian Govermenent) chained herself to her office chair. I still dont know why. She unchained herself on Tuesday, which meant that the Carabiniere had to sleep here..now i dont know how to feel towards her, is she just mental? or she is brave beyond measure? cause she most have had a good point to chain herself.. and she cant be fired cause only the Italian president can, and i doubt he was aware of what was going on in this little Embassy....uhmmmm

The things of this country.. i am considered at school the revolutionary/and the team leader, cause i dont shut up, amen, if the school is doing something wrong i ll talk about it, i wont be quiet..last night was one of those days.. we got to school and the Dean told us to be in the lecture room at 6 on the dot, we went there, only to hear him say that we wouldnt have lectures that day, cause the teacher told them he couldnt make it and they had a hard time finding a replacement. He said that the lecturer told them that same day, which is SO NOT TRUE, cause the lecturer told us on MONDAY that he wouldnt be able to give us any lectures for the rest of the month...so i guess they just forgot to send us an email telling us that..Amen, we are supposed to be in the BEST BUSINNESS SCHOOl in the country and this is what happens?? and was i supposed to keep quiet?? No no no, i just gave him my evil look, and he wouldnt look at me, cause he knew i was the one who would tell him 2 things straight to his face, i told him that was just silly, plus with the oil prices going up, it was a waste of my time and money.... he said sorry..thats the only thing he could say..... uhmmm....maybe i should chain myself to my school, lets see if they start acting like CEO, cause thats what they claim to be...

Since we had the afternoon off, is not like we would go to our houses..we went to a Bar, we had such an amazing time, after a couple of Cosmos y drank like 5 bottles of water ( i was driving and there was no way on earth i would drink and drive), and the boys were amazing, my abnoxious gf was there, but there was the buffer there, so no harm done... on friday night we planned a poker night at TO place...it will be fun(I LOVE POKER)!!!!!!!! i ll keep u posted

Las cuatro (sorry x los copyrights, pero les robe la idea a las chicas del Blog: Antes de los 30)

Cuatro trabajos que he tenido:En orden cronológico...
1.-Traductora para estudiantes internacionales
2.- Ejecutiva de cuentas (PR)
3.- Consultora de la Embajada de Italia
4.- VP Marketing & PR

Cuatro películas que puedo ver una y otra vez:
1.- Stepmom
2.- Jules et Jill
3.- La vita e Bella
4.- When Harry met Sally

Cuatro lugares donde he vivido:
1.- Roma, Italy
2.- Santo Domingo, DR
3.- Leicester, UK
4.- London, UK

Cuatro programas de tv que me gusta ver:
1.- Sex and the city
2.- Greys Anatomy
3.- Gilmore Girls
4.- Gossip Girl

Cuatro lugares a donde he ido de vacaciones:
1.- BCN
2.- Caracas
3.- Washington
4.- Etiopia

Cuatro de mis comidas preferidas:
1.- Berenjena a la parmesana
2.- Chicken Tikka
3.- Bakhlava
4.- Lo que sea que mi madre cocine J

Cuatro sitios web que visito a diario:
1.- Facebook
2.- Gmail
3.- listin.com.do
4.- Times.co.uk

Cuatro lugares donde quisiera estar ahora:
1.- Mi cama
2.- Cayo Levantado, con un Ipod y unos cuantos libros
3.- En Leicester, en Vicky park, tirada en la grama, con mis amigos, bebiendo Chilled Chardonnay y leyendo libros.
4-En la casa de campo de mi abuelo, en Roma

Cuatro trabajos que me gustaría tener:
1.- Profesora de ninios pequenios
2.- Voluntaria para ninios huerfanos
3.- Editora de una revista de modas
4.- Viajar probando diferentes tipos de comidas…uhmmm (se mehace agua en la boca d tan solo pensarlo)

Cuatro famosos que he conocido:
Julio Iglesias

Cuatro platos que detesto:
1.- Cornflakes
2.- Conejo
3.- Pato
4.- Mondongo

Cuatro electrodomésticos que tengo, que sean fuera de lo común:
1.- todo normal en ese dpto…

Cuatro posibles primeras impresiones que causo:
1.- Reservada
2.- Come m.
3.- Sencilla
4.- Ironica

Cuatro copas favoritas:
1.- Chilled white wine
2.- Cubeta
3.- Vodka con cramberry
4.- Aftershock

Cuatro olores favoritos:
1.- La grama recien cortada
2.- El olor de la lluvia
3.- Vainilla
4.- Todos los perfumes de hombres

Cuatro cosas que me encanta hacer y que no tienen que ver con mi carrera:
1.- Cocinar
2.- Leer
3.- Yoga
4.- Ver TV :P (pero a lo mejor si tiene algo ke ver con mi carrera :P)

Cuatro cosas para las que estoy negado:
1.- Bailar Salsa, merengue, tango, cualquier cosa que requiera mover la colita
2.- Mentir (mis ojos no me dejan)
3.-Dejar de fumar
4.- ver la Floricienta con mi hermanita

Cuatro cosas que colecciono:
1.- portavasos
2.- Quotes
3.- Flores secas
4.- Recuerdos

Cuatro canciones favoritas:
1.- Fast Car (tracy Chapman)
2.- Otherwise (Morcheeba)
3.- Barefoot and dirty jeans (Peppercorn)
4.- Rolling Stone (bob Dylan)

Cuatro libros favoritos:
1.- Los Miserables (Victor Hugo)
2.- Cien Anios de Soledad (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
3.- Bridget Jones
4.-A long way down/ High Fidelity (Nick Hornby)

2nd week of june..

Im having problem with a friend of mine, she is just abnoxious... she stresses me out, is needy and wants so much attention, every tiem i go out and i dont invite her she asks why i didnt invite her. Cammon!!! are we in highschool??? and im not talkin about another 25yrs old like me, no, she is 38, with a kid and divorced and really she is starting to piss me off big time.... How i wish my best friend was here with me :(

Well, im not having one of the best days 2day, i dont want to be at work..yet here i am, i want to be in bed...and im not...and i want icecream, but there is no ice cream near here.....ufffff

Life is a BItch

all of the sudden all my boys problems seem shallow and ridiculous... extremely stupid i must say.. when the man i adore the most in this world is ill... my dad that is... had been disgnosied with cancer 2 years ago, had gone through 2 3 surgeries already and 2 therapies.. and last night we found out that he needs another theraphy cause the bloody cancer wont leave him... another theraphie that his heart might not accept... another chance to lose him forever.. and it tears me apart... on my way to work today tears just kept flowing..the pain is umbearable... i miss him already...
im afraid, very afraid... how am i supposed to handle it without him? life wuldnt be the same.. fcuk!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome to my life

To say that my life is complicated/funny/strange.. is to be nice..my life is f..up...completely... dont get me wrong, I AM HAPPY, and i like my life..but is just that sometimes it surprises me and makes me wonder who on earth is playing with me??is it God, and then if is him i hope he is enjoying the ride....cause sometimes i enjoy it too....

I cant not start by telling my whole life, cause in that situation, i would never stand up from this chair, and i ll just keep writing and writing, i ll just go along with my daily life and throw in, once in a while the past...And it will happen..cause my past hunts me..day and night... like an unwanted guest, he appears at weird times....

i almost hate my job (one of the 2 i do), and im tired of grad school and my coursemates... well apparently im the glue that sticks them all togheter and makes them have fun..