I cant run anymore

Maybe its me, maybe I have changed,
But I no longer find it in me the need to save you,
To save you from yourself, and from what you will become.
Here I am, I would give you this world and the other, and yet
You do not take it,
You run, and at my age, I am done with running,
I vowed I wouldn’t run, after you,
And funny enough I understand you now , more than ever,
Cause im the one who has run away, for far too long,
And didn’t let him catch me, just like you are doing it to me.
I didn’t let him help me, when all he wanted was recue me,
I left, and never looked back.
Do I regret it? Yes, when specimens like you come to my life, I regret it,
I regret, that I run, I regret not looking back, I reget getting on that plane three years ago.
Cause I was safe. The world was handed to me and I rejected it.
But I blame me, not the world, not him for pushing too hard, not anyone, but me.
And I find myself drawn to people just like me
With emotional voids inside of them
With pain not visible to the human eye, and I try to save them,
But im running out of patience, I don’t ve it in me anymore
There is so much pain a person can endure,
And I have come to the maximum.

So feel free to run as fast as you want, I will not chase after you,
As I said it before, I don’t ve it in me anymore…..

DEL

"I can be good, real good at deleting people from my memory/heart"

against the flow

I have this feeling, im a different person, 8 years, 2 serious relationships could just suppress the feeling, but did not delete it...

Is it love? is it lust? is it just remembering a past where i was happy? but then again, is not like ourt past was a walk in the park, in fact our relationship was more of a wild rollercoaster ride, with way too many bumps, still, even though i was with someone else, living with that person, waking up by his side and being super happy, he was always there, like a shadow, like a memory i could not delete completely....

You hear all this stories, of ppl who get together after years and years, and it looks like a fairytale, i dont believe in those, but now.... now i know we have both grown, i feel it, im way much chill out...and after all my experiences, i can only trust him more...is like..i dont know...is this love?????? is this what ppl experience?????

I trust him, too much...i believe what he says, i trust him not to betray me, i trust him not to hurt me on purpose...i TRUST someone..thats weird..pretty pretty weird.... and all i want to do is hug him, and wake up next to him day after day, and face the world together.....

But...how do i explain this feeling to the ppl that surround me? how do i explain he coming back to my life without causing a world war III?

this time i have all the time in the world, i will not rush , i ll savor every single moment, and when everything is settled..... i ll be ready to go, once again..against the flow......

Back to square 1

Looking back, and searching for a clue, for a simple one that would help me determine the basis of all my problems, a clue that will show me where everything started going downhill..and looking back to ones life like a rollercoaster, if u really look, you understand your mistakes and the worst part is when u realize, that most of the time you didnt learn the lesson, and although now u do realize what the lesson was, you still can not absorb it..and u wonder why? am i so stupid, or is a matter of stubborness, or im just plain naive.... uhmmm

True to be told, circumstances do make you grow walls, almost impenetrable walls towards others, towards whatever tries to come in..but what happens when you realize that there was one person, one situation, one experience that make you selfaware of the damages that can come frm the outside world, that one person, who opened up your eyes, and made you aware, thought u how to not believe in everything you saw or heard..and with the help of that person you built it all up, up up up, with just a little window, so a little light could come in, but nothing more... and then you use this walls with everyone that came into your life... you spend first 2.5 yrs with one person, and the poor thing can not even climb the walls, although thinks he has, you just cant let them near your heart.... and then, another one makes the attempt... you do let him see a glimpse of whats goin on inside, he tries and tries to heal you, to make you back to the person you were before ... but no, you give him 2-3 yrs, and then is off... you cant bare the thought of putting all down and actually find yourself vulnerable again, complete emotionally available to another human being...but then, oh then......

what a disaster it is, when you realize that all those walls you ve put up, all those years that have passed you by, all the people that have come into your life and tried and tried to be there, tried to open you up...all of it was in vain.... in vain, cause now, you are standing in front of the same person that gave you such a valuable lesson, and..... just like that...all your walls come crashing down..like if 8 years had not passed you by.... like if everything was just a BAD BAD BAD nightmare....and you are back being who you were, you are back trusting... but you are trusting him...the person , the teacher.......the one person that you know, in your brain, that you should not let in again, but no matter how much you fight it.... you dont feel afraid, you feel.... COMPLETE......

But time has passed by, scars u didnt ve in your soul back then, are present now... and you do have some grey matter in your brain, that tells you to be careful....and you do not know what to do.... do you leap? knowing that you are surely going to get hurt? do you stay put? wondering all your life what would have happened if u had leapt????

I leap now... and all my 8 years would seem like a charade...a silly attempt to move on...just to go back where it all started... back to square 1......

enough

i have given up utterly, completely in finding the other person. I came to the conclusion that some ppl are just not meant to find it, and that our soulmates are our friends... and im fine with that, im not upset or anything. i just stopped.

Enough.

Is not bad being single, im loving it, and i dont like seeing ppl breaking up only to confirm me that love is just as fragile as any crystal glass.... so instead of living inmy own fairytale world, waiting for prince charming, i ll no longer wait, i ll just live.

I guess i lost hope long time ago, but now is when i actually accept it... so thats it for me, had enough, cant handle anymore.

down down down

My body is aching... my lungs are cleaning themselves, my mind has its goals straight...but my soul...my soul just would not catch up...

I find myself trapped, in a vicious cycle, the cycle of the day of im feeling great, im single and fabulous, the next day im single and fabulous but cant seem to understand whats wrong with me why cant i find a decent guy, and the day i feel like shit, like i ll be an old lady, alone...and the cycle keeps repeating itself...

I like being single, but i want to feel inlove 2.... ufffy...... not a good day 2day.... i ll blame it on the nicote withdrawls symptoms....

Today is the day when I decided 2 change

Ok, today i woke up, with various determinations:

1. I will stop smoking
2. I will start again writing my book
3. I will start eating good food, no more junk food
4. I will start using my excercise machina
5. I will get back on my daily yoga routine
6. I will be positive
7. I will learn to smile again

Ok, maybe im setting myself a few too many goals... but is like the great sleeping weekend i had (sleep therapy, self induced, no drugs (i.e. Cataflam, Tylenol, etc.) nor alcohol included) , and i woke up new!

It is time i let go of the past, for good.... i need to pick myself up, decide where i want to go and what i want to do... Is time to look at this life like it is: momentaneous... doesnt last too long , so i gotta grab it and live it while i can....

I ve stopped smoking, in my own terms, because i keep having weird dreams that i ll die of cancer or stuff related..in the weekend the few cigarrettes i had i did not finish, cause this terrible feeling came to me, every time i had a drag, i would feel like i was punishing my body.... so... this mornign i started smoke free!!! i know i ll be cranky for a while, but eventually i ll b fine :)

Since June 2005 my life has been hell, literally...nothing went well... i changed cause all the fucked up things that happened, fucked me up (sorry for my french ppl).... and i think it is about time i let go of all the angriness i have, and all the bitterness my past brought me... i was a happy person, i had the perfect life.... and im glad for that, but i want it back, and none can rescue me from myself, none..but me...

life as i knew it

The other day i watched again PS:I love you... and i was PMSing, so u can imagine the scene, me, the TV, loads of chocolates, popcorn and soda... and a pack of kleenex (which were not used)... i watched it, and got me thinkig... the moment i kissed TD for the first time i felt it , i felt my life was changing, that it wouldnt be the same again... i was in another dimension, i found something different and i knew i would be defying my society by loving him, i didnt care...at that moment...and i didnt care for the next 3 years.. the 4th (which was the 2nd in a long distance relationship)...that difference took a stoll on me..i begane to realize that it just wouldnt work, i had an amazing time with him, but i was a different person, and i was surprised, cause the last time i saw him, i didnt feel a thing, that was IT.....

I do believe in LOVE, but i also believe that LOVE changes, what was perfect becomes imperfect and life has a its ways to screw things up.... maybe i didnt love him enough, maybe i wasnt ready to make the big step...but the summary of all this is that i left and from time to time, i do feel a hole in my heart, i miss him terribly, i wish i could go back home and have him there waiting for me, but that is just loneliness talking, cause i know we wouldnt work anymore...is just not happening, and as much as i miss him, im full aware he wasnt THE GUY for me...but then again.. is there one????????

Maybe there is.... but im way to scared to actually accept him in my life... i think i have a tendency to find guys who I know will be no good, who i do not see a future with, and is all because i DONT want to COMMIT....im petrified, i love the feeling of belonginess u have in a committed relationship, but is too much work, and at this stage in my lfie, i just cant be bothered to put that amount of energy....

But will this feeling go away??will i be able to be wanting to commit to one person??? will i be able to accept a decent one in my life????

well, while i wait for those answers to be answered... i ll keep on partyin at weekends with the girls, dating for fun and enjoy every single minute of this life....cause that all i ve now..... :)

Two days in paris

On Sat night i went to the movies with my gfs and we watched this amazin movie..TWO DAYS IN PARIS... i didnt ve high expectations of such movie, and i thought it was going to be a chickflick...but man... was i wrong..it disected relationships, and at the end, she says something so true...and relates totally to me... here it goes:
"It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses. "

So, please rent it out, is worth it!!!!!

a girls night out

Last night i had a very nice night. For the first time in ages, i had a night out with a girl, and i didnt know how much i missed female bonding till then... my boys are cool and all, but sometimes you just need a female perspective...
She just came back to Dr, frm her studies abroad, and we kept complaining about the things we cant do here and the things we most miss about Europe... and there are so many...we both miss terribly go to the park, lie down and read books, and none bothering us , none trying to chat you up; we miss going to cafes and sit in complete silence, or go to clubs dressed the same way we went to class... but now that i look back what i miss the most is solitude.not loneliness, but just being quiet, in my own dimension and none around to bothering me....Amen europeans like the caribbean and latin countries for their lovely personality and cause you never feel alone, but its gets under your skin, when ppl dont seem to mind their bloody business, when ppl dont understand that one day, just one, for a few hours you need to be by yourself with your thoughts... and i know, i can do that in my house, but why should i retreat in my own house in order to be left alone, and why can i just lay down in a beach and enjoy the nature around me and the noise of the water??? Why??? Cause someone , out of nowhere will come and interrupt my thoughts... someone will come and ask me if i want dreadlocks, will ask me if i want something to drink, if i want something to eat...or there is always some bloody man who will ask you whats up? and women are not supposed to be alone in those places, and this whole thing is upsetting....

Im not a bitch nor am a ermitrania, im just someone who once in a while needs to enjoy life alone... and i did miss the warmth of the DR ppl, while i was in the UK, but i didnt miss it as much as i miss my privacy...

Oh.... and plus there is "what ppl might think talk" Jesus Christ, i can not even go to the supermarket that I WILL MEET someone that i know or that knows someone in my family, or to a CLUB (although i have been pretty lucky the last 2 fridays, i didnt see anyone i knew , apart frm the MBA ppl)... even the concierge,will talk about my arrival time to the house, and what car drove me home....uhmmm...so much gossiping, is exhausting...dont u all think???? I really dont care what ppl say, but my parents do...and i am a good grl (deep deep down) amen, i do not sleep around, i might snog a few ppl on the way, but i dont sleep just for the sake of sleeping, but i am independent, i go out when i please, i come back home whenever i want and i can drink like a man if i want to, i smoke cigarettes....and just cause all this traits, some ppl might think im a loose cannon...until the know me... and like my boys... respect me.....while there are others, who have a "pantalla", show to the outside world what they want to see , but are complete loose girls.... uhmmmmm

well... i have been rambling a lot lately... i better go... 2 nite is poker night at TO's place..and tmw we r going to watch independent movies... i ll keep u posted,