Back to square 1

Looking back, and searching for a clue, for a simple one that would help me determine the basis of all my problems, a clue that will show me where everything started going downhill..and looking back to ones life like a rollercoaster, if u really look, you understand your mistakes and the worst part is when u realize, that most of the time you didnt learn the lesson, and although now u do realize what the lesson was, you still can not absorb it..and u wonder why? am i so stupid, or is a matter of stubborness, or im just plain naive.... uhmmm

True to be told, circumstances do make you grow walls, almost impenetrable walls towards others, towards whatever tries to come in..but what happens when you realize that there was one person, one situation, one experience that make you selfaware of the damages that can come frm the outside world, that one person, who opened up your eyes, and made you aware, thought u how to not believe in everything you saw or heard..and with the help of that person you built it all up, up up up, with just a little window, so a little light could come in, but nothing more... and then you use this walls with everyone that came into your life... you spend first 2.5 yrs with one person, and the poor thing can not even climb the walls, although thinks he has, you just cant let them near your heart.... and then, another one makes the attempt... you do let him see a glimpse of whats goin on inside, he tries and tries to heal you, to make you back to the person you were before ... but no, you give him 2-3 yrs, and then is off... you cant bare the thought of putting all down and actually find yourself vulnerable again, complete emotionally available to another human being...but then, oh then......

what a disaster it is, when you realize that all those walls you ve put up, all those years that have passed you by, all the people that have come into your life and tried and tried to be there, tried to open you up...all of it was in vain.... in vain, cause now, you are standing in front of the same person that gave you such a valuable lesson, and..... just like that...all your walls come crashing down..like if 8 years had not passed you by.... like if everything was just a BAD BAD BAD nightmare....and you are back being who you were, you are back trusting... but you are trusting him...the person , the teacher.......the one person that you know, in your brain, that you should not let in again, but no matter how much you fight it.... you dont feel afraid, you feel.... COMPLETE......

But time has passed by, scars u didnt ve in your soul back then, are present now... and you do have some grey matter in your brain, that tells you to be careful....and you do not know what to do.... do you leap? knowing that you are surely going to get hurt? do you stay put? wondering all your life what would have happened if u had leapt????

I leap now... and all my 8 years would seem like a charade...a silly attempt to move on...just to go back where it all started... back to square 1......