life as i knew it

The other day i watched again PS:I love you... and i was PMSing, so u can imagine the scene, me, the TV, loads of chocolates, popcorn and soda... and a pack of kleenex (which were not used)... i watched it, and got me thinkig... the moment i kissed TD for the first time i felt it , i felt my life was changing, that it wouldnt be the same again... i was in another dimension, i found something different and i knew i would be defying my society by loving him, i didnt care...at that moment...and i didnt care for the next 3 years.. the 4th (which was the 2nd in a long distance relationship)...that difference took a stoll on me..i begane to realize that it just wouldnt work, i had an amazing time with him, but i was a different person, and i was surprised, cause the last time i saw him, i didnt feel a thing, that was IT.....

I do believe in LOVE, but i also believe that LOVE changes, what was perfect becomes imperfect and life has a its ways to screw things up.... maybe i didnt love him enough, maybe i wasnt ready to make the big step...but the summary of all this is that i left and from time to time, i do feel a hole in my heart, i miss him terribly, i wish i could go back home and have him there waiting for me, but that is just loneliness talking, cause i know we wouldnt work anymore...is just not happening, and as much as i miss him, im full aware he wasnt THE GUY for me...but then again.. is there one????????

Maybe there is.... but im way to scared to actually accept him in my life... i think i have a tendency to find guys who I know will be no good, who i do not see a future with, and is all because i DONT want to COMMIT....im petrified, i love the feeling of belonginess u have in a committed relationship, but is too much work, and at this stage in my lfie, i just cant be bothered to put that amount of energy....

But will this feeling go away??will i be able to be wanting to commit to one person??? will i be able to accept a decent one in my life????

well, while i wait for those answers to be answered... i ll keep on partyin at weekends with the girls, dating for fun and enjoy every single minute of this life....cause that all i ve now..... :)