Fanny Lu. Que no eres para mi

Que me dice que me quiere, que vivir sin mí no puede Que le agobian los momentos en que no estoy junto a él, que siempre me había esperado Que era quien había soñado, la que su mama quería pa’que fuera su mujer.Que mis ojos son estrellas, que mi risa es la más bella Que todos mis atributos son perfectos para el Que si fuera un retratista, que si fuera un buen artista yo sería su Monalisa y hasta un tango de Gardel, Y eso no lo trago YO.Quiero que tú sepas que no eres para mí, Siempre supe pero no hice caso, Que ni se te ocurra aparecer por aquí,Con tus enredos y cuentos baratos Quiero que tú sepas que yo no soy para tiQue ni se me ocurra estar de nuevo junto a ti Mi corazón no aguanta más fracasos...Que me promete la luna Que yo soy como ninguna Que parezco una doncella de esas que hay que protegerQue sus vicios ha dejado Que su sueldo le ha aumentado Que me promete la vida que yo siento merecer Y eso no lo trago yo...Que no me convenías, que eras mi destrucción Y siempre yo tratando de dejarte Tu día ya llego.

Ya me cansé.

Asi fue como yo veía lo nuestro,
Yo mirando hacia el norte, tu al sur,
yo queriéndote amar, tu amando tu libertad
yo buscando, tu escapando,
yo llorando, tu impasible...
Y ahora, cuando yo,
empiezo a vivir mi vida, dia tras dia,
cuando me levanto sin pensar en ti,
cuando al fin encuentro a alguien con quien reir,
cuando me doy cuenta que la vida a tu lado no era tan perfecta.....
Tu decides hablar,
Hablar del amor que sientes por mi,
de la importancia que le das a mi vida,
de todo lo feliz que fuiste a mi lado,
de lo mucho que sientes haberme herido...
Pero eres tu...y al final de todo eso...me dices...ADIOS......
Yo ya no soy la de antes,
yo ya no lloro por ti,
estos ojos ya no aguantan más...
te di mi vida, no pudiste aprovecharla...
y pa que me dices todo eso ahora, para despues decirme Adios...
este circulo vicioso se cerró...para siempre....
no eres lo que esperaba, y jamás lo serás.
Yo seguire persiguiendo sueños, y te digo algo??
SE QUE SERË MAS FELIZ

its happening

a blur of emotions...a bunch of opportunities...am i getting wiser or what is it happening to me? i am at ease, i have been on dates, i have met wonderful people...most importantly....i have learned to laugh..to smile...and not to think of you....

uhmm..when all is said and done...whats left?

turns out K was dead right, and my fear was well founded.... X did just what he is good at, hurt me and leave me out in the cold, with no explanation, with nothing, just he is hurtful words, his coldness and he left behind, not a broken, but a shattered heart...confusion, tears, and he left me without energies....now i can see what K was talkin about the other day...this it is...this is how i use to feel....

as clear as the water from the mountains...i can see , he isnot fdor me, and i am not for him.... i am the worst copy of myself when im with him, and he doesnt bring my best side to shore...his negativity, his constant complaining....thats it....

and as i reemerge from the darkest hours and holidays of my life...i have a fewe moments a day of complete sanity and i am ok..... of course, still lingers the need to wanting to know, why? why me? why again? but then the answer i guess we all know....CAUSE I BLOODY WANTED IT..... i looked for trouble and trouble came to me....

i have a thousand and more questions for him, but i will never ask, i will never look for the answer...im tired..im exhausted...all my energies have been taken away... its time to hit teraphy again......

hope u all had a great xmas and new years.....

ahh.....after all is said and done....there is NOTHING left.....

to change...

im scared, scared that you will wake up one day and leave...leave without notice, without an excuse, just leave.... and leave me here...once again... i dont want that to happen....and i can see you are changing, i can see every little thing you do to make me feel better, and to show me you are in this, that we are in this together....but the fear is there...it can only leave with time....
i wish everyday would be like the day i saw in your eyes no fear to love me back....and to give yourself the chance to be happy..... your past is your past...our past is our past...and it should stay there....i dont want to talk about it anymore, i dont want to think about it anymore.... what is done is done....looking towards what may come is the only thing we have left.....so please....let go...let me catch you....when will you understand that i will not be going anywhere? and dont be afraid...i dont depend on you, i can live on my own....i just dont want to

uhmm...maybe i am wrong

Last night, at dinner, i put on my brave face and told her the news...her face was stone cold..she didnt express an emotion...she just put down her fork, looked straight to my eyes and said: please tell me you are fucking joking me....i will not discuss this with u, i live too far away to hold your hands and your tears when he brakes your heart...once again.... M, please...please...dont do it to yourself....why? why would u even consider it?
i didnt know what to reply...i was looking back at her....i dunno maybe i hoped she would tell me that if i loved him, then good luck....but she was determined to not let me say those words...she stared at me....i stared back..... and at that point i rewinded my mind, and thought, that my girls all have the same opinion....so maybe i am the one who is in the wrong side..... i had to ask her...the others wouldnt know as much as she knows, she is, after all, my mirror and my history book (i have a very very light memory, i forget everything)....and i asked her: was it that BAD???? cause i cant seem to recall...amen, i know i had cried and i was hurt..but did i really went through hell and back?
She said: it was horrible....those were the worst months of your life, it was constant tears, constant fighting, never sure of what you had, your smile was random...and u know how i hated yr 1st bf, but with him, you were happy while it lasted, you only got hurt at the end.....with X....oh boy..... i dont want you to go back that road.....M, you have so much in you, give it to someone else....someone who wouldnt play u......

and that was it. Case closed...K didnt want to talk about it anymore, she just pleaded me to give up and move on, to just be me, to forget the love , if there ever was any (her words not mine).....

and i think to myself...did he actually played me? is my memory so thin that i dont recall that hell?i know i was upset and didnt know how to get to him, but..... was it that BAD

but...i trust him....is this fucked up? have i reached the maximum level of insanity? why do i keep holding on to him, do i really feel i can make him happy? wouldnt i lose my happiness if i follow that road? was Dj right? was i already emotionally damaged when he loved me? is X the cause of my damage? what the hell is going on? do i love him or do i just want to prove a point?

i think i am falling in love, and i know i am not making a mistake...my family is all right with it.....shouldnt K be alright with it as well.....?????

uffff

would you for once look at me back?

before u read this i may clarify that i am not schizophrenic, nor i suffer from illusion....i just type this blog as it comes...feelings reemerge when ppl of my past appear out of nowhere and i feel like expressing myself....

One last drop...

you and i clash...just like a thunderstorm.... u do this, i do that and one of us, or both will end up hurt...we wont win this game...so, lets call it quits...allright? lets just be....whatever we are meant to be....friends we are not.... maybe efriends.... and nothing is wrong with u, is just that like me, u are afraid of commitment....u dont want to be tied down, and when i make a move u run, when u make a move, i am already 500 km away from u... we dont ve the right timing nor the right place...maybe i dont even have the heart to endure u another time.....maybe...just maybe....

y0u have grown up....and u r great as a person....just not great for me.....and i am not good for u...trust me on this one...i ll give u a headache every single day of your life... but i want to see you happy...more than anything...cause in a perversed, twisted way, i love you, i care for you and i just want to hug u till u cant breath again.... (so i ll prevent u from opening that stupid mouth of yours!)

so...the last drop just let the tap and filled the glass.... now i look at u...would u, for once look at me back?

when did i ever do the most sensible thing?

it has been over a year already....and you are right, my life is a mess without u... nothing seems to fit anywhere, and im like a ghost, living day to day, waiting for it to end...just to get some sleep and find a kind of peace...which i hardly find...

i miss you, i miss being part of something worthwhile... of waking up and find myself trapped by your arms....i miss your burps, my cooking..my laughs and smiles....most of all i miss feeling whole...

and i know you are right.I definetly know i am wrong...very..very...extremely wrong..and i know going back to you would make my life better and hopefully i would find happiness again...and that such decision would be the most reasonable thing to do...but babe...you know me extremely well.. when did i ever do the most sensible thing? NEVER

i tend to go against the flow...i tend to find new ways of hurting myself and putting myself down...somehow i believe happiness wasnt meant to last for me...

and maybe is just normal to feel like i miss you....i did gave you my all and i did share my life with you for far too long....

so please, try and forget me, cause aint good for you and i cant be your friend.....

i will always love you...cause u ll be forever the keeper of my heart.

that sadness

there is sadness in your eyes, and it bugs me...but now, unlike years ago, i know there is nothing i can do about it...i can only be here, on the side, giving you my hand, my shoulder, anything you need to just support yourself.... i ve always wanted to see the day where happiness woudl irradiate from you..lately i ve lost hope to one day see that..but im here for you...i ve always be, always will... i love you and it pains me to see you like this...there is no hope back there, is it? hun, there is hope, you will see....it might take years and years...but one day u ll rise....and even if you wont want it, i ll be there...like a shadow...always ready to catch you....just dont force yourself, and trust my strenght...i can catch you

what if?

Dear M.A., if I had married you…. Our wedding would have been in a catholic church, situated in a beach. barefoot and with the sun going down…that would have been the day where I would have met your friends and family… we would have 2 children by now, I would be an architect and you would be a copywriter, we would be living in a nice house, with dogs….our married life prior the children would have consisted in drugs, fights and movies. Our life after the children would have probable been silence and movies…fighting would never be an option, neither would be divorce… I would be living my life as a shadow of yours, always in the back row… adoring you, loving every bit of your existence but at the same time wondering what could have been if you had let me go….I would be driving a prius and you would be 2…our children would go to the most expensive school in the city and our Sundays would be spent in the Country Club…holidays? Orlando for summer and your country house for winter times…

Dear A.M, if I had married you… I would be living in Kent, in a manor house, a one with a name, not a number…you would have converted to Catholicism, and we would have had 3 weddings…one in the UK, one in Italy and one in Dr… just to keep all of our friends happy…we would have lost the bet!!! In addition, you would have had to pay the tickets and hotel stay for our friends…and I wouldn’t stop nagging about it I would be your princess in your great castle… we would have 2 children, a boy and a girl. send them to private pre-schools and travel every few months for holidays to the Caribbean, to mainland Europe and we would never go to the USA…I would be a marketing executive by paper, but I would have stayed at home to raise our children…you would be a big shot lawyer in the city, commuting every day…. Although you will still drive, a Mercedes (the latest in the market).....

Our common friends would always have a place in our house… we would have been supportive of each other’s and happy….

those are the two ifs..... my two big loves.....