uhmm...maybe i am wrong

Last night, at dinner, i put on my brave face and told her the news...her face was stone cold..she didnt express an emotion...she just put down her fork, looked straight to my eyes and said: please tell me you are fucking joking me....i will not discuss this with u, i live too far away to hold your hands and your tears when he brakes your heart...once again.... M, please...please...dont do it to yourself....why? why would u even consider it?
i didnt know what to reply...i was looking back at her....i dunno maybe i hoped she would tell me that if i loved him, then good luck....but she was determined to not let me say those words...she stared at me....i stared back..... and at that point i rewinded my mind, and thought, that my girls all have the same opinion....so maybe i am the one who is in the wrong side..... i had to ask her...the others wouldnt know as much as she knows, she is, after all, my mirror and my history book (i have a very very light memory, i forget everything)....and i asked her: was it that BAD???? cause i cant seem to recall...amen, i know i had cried and i was hurt..but did i really went through hell and back?
She said: it was horrible....those were the worst months of your life, it was constant tears, constant fighting, never sure of what you had, your smile was random...and u know how i hated yr 1st bf, but with him, you were happy while it lasted, you only got hurt at the end.....with X....oh boy..... i dont want you to go back that road.....M, you have so much in you, give it to someone else....someone who wouldnt play u......

and that was it. Case closed...K didnt want to talk about it anymore, she just pleaded me to give up and move on, to just be me, to forget the love , if there ever was any (her words not mine).....

and i think to myself...did he actually played me? is my memory so thin that i dont recall that hell?i know i was upset and didnt know how to get to him, but..... was it that BAD

but...i trust him....is this fucked up? have i reached the maximum level of insanity? why do i keep holding on to him, do i really feel i can make him happy? wouldnt i lose my happiness if i follow that road? was Dj right? was i already emotionally damaged when he loved me? is X the cause of my damage? what the hell is going on? do i love him or do i just want to prove a point?

i think i am falling in love, and i know i am not making a mistake...my family is all right with it.....shouldnt K be alright with it as well.....?????

uffff