be careful what you wish for

maybe we dont have the right timing...or maybe is that i have lost my ability to fall inlove...all i know is that you asked...and i just stared right back at you...i wasnt expectng it..not from you, not now...im scared i do not how to leap...i ve lost the ability to do so, without looking 100 times before, to check...im not the same..i dont believe in it anymore...too much water has passed under the bridge... yet as i feel like running a 1000 miles an hour from you, you take my hand and a sense of calmness...of happiness....takes over me...weird.....

The chain has been broken

How sad it it that you wake up a day to late? Do you now understand the power of one phonecall? It took me a long road, a harder heart, and too many things to mention now..but it broke, the chain finally broke and i am free... your double meanings, your uncertainities, you lack of decision, have decided your own fate..at least your fate with me. You disappointed me so many times before, and i kept on hoping, that one day you would wake up...and you did, but a day too late.... Now i do not want your name on my phone screen, nor my msn,gmail,or facebook...I put you in a box, the one i never reopen, never check, the one that is sent to the oblivion of my past mistakes...Maybe i didnt tell you this time around, but i did in the past, i told you many times, the moment i ll leave you, when i will really leave you, you will not know it, you will not forsee it, it will just come. You will wake up and you will not know what the heck hit you.... I told you , you didnt pay attention to me, cause i know im a softy, romanitc and i believe in love, in true love, but i dont believe it has to be a one way road, its 2, and honey, i have stopped waiting for you to come towards me....

I am free, completely and utterly free...

magic times

Two friends, walking through the old streets of Rome, getting into everysingle alley, talking about life, their dreams, their past, how much good University was, and afraid of what the future might hold...two ppl, a man and a woman, eating lunch in some fancy place, made for turists in the middle of Piazza Navona, laughing at themselves, wondering what on earth are they eating with turists..they are italians! They look at stores, but dont buy anything, they talk about books, they decide to eat ice cream in the spanish steps... even though the weather is not so good...and then the sun starts to set in... slowly but surely..the colors in the magic city change, everything looks so beautiful. They walk to the Villa D'este, and watch the sky and what to they see? a Hot air balloon...and they look at eachother and start running towards it, they want to ride in it!! when they arrive, with no breath (cause they are both smokers), they find out it has just closed..is getting late...and the guy says: well another day, the girl: do u think there will be another time? 

And they walk back to the spanish steps, the lights are turning up, the cold weather gets chillier and chillier, he takes her to the subway and hugs her goodbye, and says: i had a wonderful time, i wish we wouldnt be moving so far away from eachother.....and they both felt it..after 3 years of platonic friendship, after an inmense amount of alcohol consumed together, sleepovers in the sofas, study marathons, picnic in Vicky park..that moment, the moment they are going to say goodbye (maybe forever), they realize , they wish, they had gone further in their friendship, but there is no time anymore.... one goes south, the other goes across the pond...there is a promise to see eachoter again, maybe he will take his boat to the caribbean..but thats just promises....and that was long ago... and everytime i see a hot air balloon, in the internet, i think of that moment..i was the girl, and we didnt see eachother anymore...we have drift apart, eachone in its own world...where are u my dear friend and how is life treating you? 

rain rain and more rain!!!!

Im tired of the rain! Enough! and is not cause the streets look like rivers (although not as much as few years back), and not cause the sun i miss, i hate the rain cause is HOT, amen, HOT RAIN! I want cold weather, cold rain, the whole deal, this hot, rain only makes it worse..... 

but my post is not going to be about the horrible weather we are having this summer...

my best friend is broken hearted, and im not there with her...and i wish i was, just comfort her, cause she did make the best decision, but i know is though...after 3 years of living together, after purchasing a house, after all the upside downs she called it quits. She stopped loving him and left. I admire her for that, cause i would have never had the guts to do something like that...amen, i 2 lived with my ex 4 a year, but then we had 2 years of long distance relationship (a bummer), but it was so HARD for me to break up...the feeling was not the same, but we had shared so much, our lives had become entwined, and i was SCARED to put myself out there, to start anew, to change my dreams and goals that i had share with him for four years in total...and after so much thinking i did it...it was awful, waking up and realizing all the sacrifices i had made i felt i had threw it down the drain.. it was hard cause i 2, like my friend now, i was alone, amen, i had my family and my friends from DR, but i didnt have my REAL friends, the ones that really count..they were all oever the world UK, Spain, SIngapore, ITaly and USA...

And after 12 months of have completely cut him out of my life...sometimes i do wonder if i made a mistake, but then i realize, it had to be done.... and i have survived that, and with some scars, and some extra baggage, but after 12 months i do think i am where i never expected to be... at peace with myself and getting rid of all the past.....

I cant run anymore

Maybe its me, maybe I have changed,
But I no longer find it in me the need to save you,
To save you from yourself, and from what you will become.
Here I am, I would give you this world and the other, and yet
You do not take it,
You run, and at my age, I am done with running,
I vowed I wouldn’t run, after you,
And funny enough I understand you now , more than ever,
Cause im the one who has run away, for far too long,
And didn’t let him catch me, just like you are doing it to me.
I didn’t let him help me, when all he wanted was recue me,
I left, and never looked back.
Do I regret it? Yes, when specimens like you come to my life, I regret it,
I regret, that I run, I regret not looking back, I reget getting on that plane three years ago.
Cause I was safe. The world was handed to me and I rejected it.
But I blame me, not the world, not him for pushing too hard, not anyone, but me.
And I find myself drawn to people just like me
With emotional voids inside of them
With pain not visible to the human eye, and I try to save them,
But im running out of patience, I don’t ve it in me anymore
There is so much pain a person can endure,
And I have come to the maximum.

So feel free to run as fast as you want, I will not chase after you,
As I said it before, I don’t ve it in me anymore…..

DEL

"I can be good, real good at deleting people from my memory/heart"

against the flow

I have this feeling, im a different person, 8 years, 2 serious relationships could just suppress the feeling, but did not delete it...

Is it love? is it lust? is it just remembering a past where i was happy? but then again, is not like ourt past was a walk in the park, in fact our relationship was more of a wild rollercoaster ride, with way too many bumps, still, even though i was with someone else, living with that person, waking up by his side and being super happy, he was always there, like a shadow, like a memory i could not delete completely....

You hear all this stories, of ppl who get together after years and years, and it looks like a fairytale, i dont believe in those, but now.... now i know we have both grown, i feel it, im way much chill out...and after all my experiences, i can only trust him more...is like..i dont know...is this love?????? is this what ppl experience?????

I trust him, too much...i believe what he says, i trust him not to betray me, i trust him not to hurt me on purpose...i TRUST someone..thats weird..pretty pretty weird.... and all i want to do is hug him, and wake up next to him day after day, and face the world together.....

But...how do i explain this feeling to the ppl that surround me? how do i explain he coming back to my life without causing a world war III?

this time i have all the time in the world, i will not rush , i ll savor every single moment, and when everything is settled..... i ll be ready to go, once again..against the flow......

Back to square 1

Looking back, and searching for a clue, for a simple one that would help me determine the basis of all my problems, a clue that will show me where everything started going downhill..and looking back to ones life like a rollercoaster, if u really look, you understand your mistakes and the worst part is when u realize, that most of the time you didnt learn the lesson, and although now u do realize what the lesson was, you still can not absorb it..and u wonder why? am i so stupid, or is a matter of stubborness, or im just plain naive.... uhmmm

True to be told, circumstances do make you grow walls, almost impenetrable walls towards others, towards whatever tries to come in..but what happens when you realize that there was one person, one situation, one experience that make you selfaware of the damages that can come frm the outside world, that one person, who opened up your eyes, and made you aware, thought u how to not believe in everything you saw or heard..and with the help of that person you built it all up, up up up, with just a little window, so a little light could come in, but nothing more... and then you use this walls with everyone that came into your life... you spend first 2.5 yrs with one person, and the poor thing can not even climb the walls, although thinks he has, you just cant let them near your heart.... and then, another one makes the attempt... you do let him see a glimpse of whats goin on inside, he tries and tries to heal you, to make you back to the person you were before ... but no, you give him 2-3 yrs, and then is off... you cant bare the thought of putting all down and actually find yourself vulnerable again, complete emotionally available to another human being...but then, oh then......

what a disaster it is, when you realize that all those walls you ve put up, all those years that have passed you by, all the people that have come into your life and tried and tried to be there, tried to open you up...all of it was in vain.... in vain, cause now, you are standing in front of the same person that gave you such a valuable lesson, and..... just like that...all your walls come crashing down..like if 8 years had not passed you by.... like if everything was just a BAD BAD BAD nightmare....and you are back being who you were, you are back trusting... but you are trusting him...the person , the teacher.......the one person that you know, in your brain, that you should not let in again, but no matter how much you fight it.... you dont feel afraid, you feel.... COMPLETE......

But time has passed by, scars u didnt ve in your soul back then, are present now... and you do have some grey matter in your brain, that tells you to be careful....and you do not know what to do.... do you leap? knowing that you are surely going to get hurt? do you stay put? wondering all your life what would have happened if u had leapt????

I leap now... and all my 8 years would seem like a charade...a silly attempt to move on...just to go back where it all started... back to square 1......

enough

i have given up utterly, completely in finding the other person. I came to the conclusion that some ppl are just not meant to find it, and that our soulmates are our friends... and im fine with that, im not upset or anything. i just stopped.

Enough.

Is not bad being single, im loving it, and i dont like seeing ppl breaking up only to confirm me that love is just as fragile as any crystal glass.... so instead of living inmy own fairytale world, waiting for prince charming, i ll no longer wait, i ll just live.

I guess i lost hope long time ago, but now is when i actually accept it... so thats it for me, had enough, cant handle anymore.

down down down

My body is aching... my lungs are cleaning themselves, my mind has its goals straight...but my soul...my soul just would not catch up...

I find myself trapped, in a vicious cycle, the cycle of the day of im feeling great, im single and fabulous, the next day im single and fabulous but cant seem to understand whats wrong with me why cant i find a decent guy, and the day i feel like shit, like i ll be an old lady, alone...and the cycle keeps repeating itself...

I like being single, but i want to feel inlove 2.... ufffy...... not a good day 2day.... i ll blame it on the nicote withdrawls symptoms....