what if?

Dear M.A., if I had married you…. Our wedding would have been in a catholic church, situated in a beach. barefoot and with the sun going down…that would have been the day where I would have met your friends and family… we would have 2 children by now, I would be an architect and you would be a copywriter, we would be living in a nice house, with dogs….our married life prior the children would have consisted in drugs, fights and movies. Our life after the children would have probable been silence and movies…fighting would never be an option, neither would be divorce… I would be living my life as a shadow of yours, always in the back row… adoring you, loving every bit of your existence but at the same time wondering what could have been if you had let me go….I would be driving a prius and you would be 2…our children would go to the most expensive school in the city and our Sundays would be spent in the Country Club…holidays? Orlando for summer and your country house for winter times…

Dear A.M, if I had married you… I would be living in Kent, in a manor house, a one with a name, not a number…you would have converted to Catholicism, and we would have had 3 weddings…one in the UK, one in Italy and one in Dr… just to keep all of our friends happy…we would have lost the bet!!! In addition, you would have had to pay the tickets and hotel stay for our friends…and I wouldn’t stop nagging about it I would be your princess in your great castle… we would have 2 children, a boy and a girl. send them to private pre-schools and travel every few months for holidays to the Caribbean, to mainland Europe and we would never go to the USA…I would be a marketing executive by paper, but I would have stayed at home to raise our children…you would be a big shot lawyer in the city, commuting every day…. Although you will still drive, a Mercedes (the latest in the market).....

Our common friends would always have a place in our house… we would have been supportive of each other’s and happy….

those are the two ifs..... my two big loves.....

walk out on me once...is yr fault....twice is mine....

how is it that i feel less alone when i am surrounded by strange people? when im all physically alone in a foreign country? where none knows me??? this i cant understand.... find me in a room filled with the people i love and ask me how i feel and my answer will be: lonely....ask me in a room filled with strnage people....and i ll say: whole....

leaving the country for the weekend made me some real good.... i had time to think...to relax...and to see my world from another point of view...the day before i left...well the night...i went out and had a weird night out...there were enourmous amounts of Grey Goose involved, plus great music and friends... but someone just appeared at the place...and i wasnt expecint go see him anymore... i left confused...not knowing what to do..... should i have a chat with him,? tell him that things will have to go my way this time or is better to forget them? or should i just lock into my old self an dblock him out of my life??? i didnt know the answer b4 i left...now im going back with a clear mind and concience....im definetly not going to talk to him....i ll close it without him even noticing..just like he did to me last time we were together...he disappeared without givin me 2 weeks notice...and he crushed my world.... now is my turn, i deserve much better than him...yes...it is probable i will not find another who will give me so much calmness....yes....im probably not going to find the guy to whom i dont feel like figthing cause we just understand eachothers.....but i can live with that...in fact i look foward to a life of fighting and headaches...but knowing that that person will not leave me out in the cold without telling me b4 hand.... 

i do.... all these is worth it as long as i dont have to go through the hell he put me through the first time he decided to walk out on me......

poem of 2004

look at me now
I'm not the girl you used to know
I've been through difficulties
and learned to not let my emotions show.

I've experienced heartbreak
and I've fell in love
I've taken to drinking
and I've partied in the clubs.

I've had one night stands
held so many tears back
and watched my life stray off course.

Watched a baby being born
said my first "I love you"
thrown hotel parties
and did whatever I said I'd do.

All these things I've done
since the time you said goodbye
I was just so young
and I do admit that I did cry.

But now I'm all grown up
Three years have passed me by
I see more clearly now
because innocence made me blind.

And that girl you used to know
is no longer in me
Maybe if you hadn't let her go
this isn't the way things would be.

pitch black

everything is pitch black... cant seem to find the bloody light...is 3 yrs that i can find the north...im just passing the days...and i want so bad to live again...to smile without pretending...to have joy.... 

15 yrs of friendship.... ILY

Cuando nadie estaba ahí para mi, y pensé que a nadie le importaba. Cuando todo el mundo me dio la espalda, y pensé estar sola…Tú estabas ahí

Cuando la persona que más confiaba en esta vida, me engaño… Tú me abrazaste

Cuando mi mundo rosado se cayó a pedazos…Tú llegaste sin llamarte.

Cuando todo lo que necesitaba era una amiga, que me escuchara, que recogiera mis lágrimas...tú me las secaste.

Cuando mi corazón me dolía tanto, que no podía ya respirar...Cuando lo único que quería hacer era acostarme y morir...tú me levantaste...

Pero tambien....

Cuando me enamoré por primera/2da y tercera vez.... Tú te alegraste

Cuando me aceptaron en la Universidad...Tú abriste el sobre conmigo

Cuando mi hermana vino al mundo...Tú estabas a mi lado para recibirla

Cuando me di mi primera borrachera...Tú te emborrachaste conmigo

Así que no lo dudes, aun después de tantos años, tantas distancias, estamos unidas…y algún día seremos nosotras las de la foto…

 

eight years....fly...

eight years ago..to the date i was a simple teenage girl...who couldnt wait to leave the island, i already had my placement in university, and i thought i had my life all figured out, i had wanted that place for so long, that getting it was a miracle (i was just a girl from a spanish school and since all the ppl from the english schools had already bein rejected, i honestly thought i didnt have a chance)(silly me) , and then one day, in october 2000 i realized i was inlove..in a way i had never been, i was floating in air, i was glowing inside and out, and the object of my affection seemed to love me too....and i blurted out, i told him i loved him....i think he got shocked, but i was naive, and wasnt afraid to show what was really going inside of me..... 

and i miss my old self...the happiness i saw in everything, the lack of irony and cinicism, the feel of vulnerability, of not being afraid of showing it...of believing that that was it.... my first love.... 

and now i find myself distrusting everyone around... thinking what are they after and im missing the best of life.... i would love to be a little less careless and see the world in the same pink colour my parents painted it for me...im going to work on that.....

the past should stay there...in the past

i wasnt expecting in him ever ever contacting me again... he called to see how i was doing..and he opened a can of worms...yes, cause i was FINE living without him, i was doing just OK...he added me to his FB and i accepted it...we chatted on gmail... why did i accept? i dont know...maybe cause i was curious about his whereabouts...how life was treating him....

Leaving him, breaking off the relationship wasnt easy, it took me time and courage to break it off... i almost believe it was like a divorce..,.or worse....when you share your life with someone for so long, the moment you call it quits a bit of you ends right there and then, and you ll never get it back...if you have been in my situation u ll understand...if you havent...well.... u r warned! 

i always knew i would ve never had left him if i stayed in the UK , but i was here and he was there...2 years i could handle...but more...i couldnt... and i was aware of the two of us who loved more was him..he adored me, the floor i touched was magic for him...although he did expect my decision, he didnt accept it...

and all this while, that i ve been in the island, i ve been dating, and lately crushing...but things really never go anywhere...i had a theory you see? i had a theory that he still hold on to me..he hadnt let me go and that love , that energy was giving me bad luck and preventing from go to dating casually to proper dating.... and also that i was greiving in my own silent way, putting a shell...but more of it was that his energy was affecting me..aa.

and today i proved, well he proved to me that my theory was just right... he still holds on to me...he doesnt learn to let it go...he looked at my FB photos and this is what he said , and i quote :"  see a picture with u and some fucking guy and then i start getting ulcer pains cos i wanna slap the mother fucker for smiling in a picture with the most imporant thing in my life"........me....speechless.... i didnt know how to react to that statement...im the most important thing in his life...and i told him to let me go, to just accept out fate...but i dont think it will go until he wants to let go.... 

and is hurting me to know that he is hurting... it really is... i might come out as cold hearted, but i loved him...i shared so much with him...he was a part of my life but i guess i was his life....... 

i pray that he forgets me...cause aint worthed of his love...i ve issues...i ve other things in my life and i feel i really him to release me from this...... 

crushing like a teen

i have a crush...a crush who sits beside me @ school, a crush that was a friend until he decided to kiss me...a crush that doesnt know he is my crush.... in fact, he believes he is so out of my league that there is no place for him in my life...he believe i love someone else....and do i say anything? no...i keep playing this game..of subtle looks...of hands sharing the same space and sometimes touching...and when he touches me...butterflies and all are all over my body.... and im happy... for 4 hours a day im happy...cause i had not felt like this in ages, cause the anticipation, the wisper, the chats that we share.. we are like partners in crime..we are crushing on eachother....i can feel it...i can see it.... and it will stay that way...cause maybe he is right to believe what he believes...and maybe im just entertaining myself .... 

but im crushing..... hehehehehhe...... i dont think its advisible for me to drink on friday night..i dont think i lll be able to hold this crush when mixed with vodka and cramberry...and his eyes on me...uhmmmmmm

well ppl, just in case you didnt notice..i feel like a teenage girl..and...ITS AWSOME!!!!!

Meme

Si fuera palabra: Nostalgia
Si fuera número: 5
Si fuera bebida: Mies 
Si fuera animal: Ave
Si fuera pájaro: Águila
Si fuera algo de la casa: Televisor
Si fuera una zona del cuerpo: Ojos
Si fuera una obra de arte: Monalisa
Si fuera flor: Trinitaria
Si fuera dibujo animado: Madrina de Padrinos Magicos
Si fuera una película: When Harry Met Sally
Si fuera una fruta: Melon
Si fuera un recuerdo: Un atardecer en la playa
Si fuera color sería: Fucsia
Si fuera un sentimiento sería: Amor
Si fuera un sentido: Vista
Si fuera un partido político o un político sería: Independiente
Si fuera una fecha sería: ...
Si fuera un juego infantil: 1,2,3 Stella!
Si fuera un planeta sería: Marte
Si fuera algo del baño sería: Lozas
Si fuera un instrumento musical sería: Guitarra
Si fuera una figura geométrica sería: Circulo
Si fuera un idioma sería: Esperanto
Si fuera uno de los 7 pecados capitales sería: Vanidad
Si fuera un día de la semana: Miercoles
Si fuera una prenda de vestir: Vestido de verano
Si fuera un país: Inglaterra
Si fuera una comida: Helado
Si fuera una frase sería: “A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left. "