please....i ve given up...would you give up 2?

Se que lees esto, por favor, entiendeme.... S.U.E.L.T.A.M.E.

nueve anios juntos, separados y revueltos, 

nueve anios de lagrimas, y de pocos momentos felices,

nueve anios malgastados amando a la persona equivocada...

nunca pensaste que yo, out of all people, would give up on you..right?

pues si...estoy cansada, harta y aburrida de tus juegos, 

de tus avances, de tus retrasos, de tus ganas de hacer danio....

yo cuando pienso en ti, pienso que eres lo peor que me ha pasado en esta vida...

que piensas cuando me piensas? acaso sabes lo que es pensar? lo que es sentir?

dijiste un dia que yo era lo mejor que te habia pasado...entonces cual era la necesidad de hacerme tanto danio??

y es que no te alcanzaron esos 9 anios?quieres mas?

por favor, ya no es con rabia, ya no es con odio, simplemente por cansancio.... 

vete, alejate, de mi, de mis amigas, de mis lugares favoritos, no te acerques,

no trates de acercarte, te lo imploro....pudiste hacerlo cuando habia tiempo...

mas no lo hiciste...

yo estoy feliz, en mi vida ha entrado una persona que es el opuesto a ti, 

me ha ensenado cosas y sentimientos que no creia posibles ver en un hombre,

estoy aprendiendo a confiar, a sentirme tranquila, a sentirme querida.....

El es lo mejor que me pudo pasar en la vida, el es la persona que yo tanto busque, 

que busque en ti...pero donde DIos no puso no podra haber.... 

y me llego un 14 de febrero, sin yo pensar, sin yo querer enamorarme..... 

asi que por favor...te lo pido otra vez....dejame vivir, pq si no me pudiste hacerme feliz,

te pido que me dejes ser feliz sin tu sombra persiguiendo mis pasos....sin tus ironias, y sin tu decirme que me extranias....

Que diablos extranas de mi??? NO TENIAMOS NADA,  ni amistad, ni amor, ni nada, ahora es que me doy cuenta de eso.... yo amiga tuya?? pero de por Dios! si me hubieras querido siquiera, no habrias hecho el 90% de las cosas que hiciste..... 

amor? por mi? por favor....por favor....vete, olvidate que yo alguna vez cruce en tu camino, borrame con delete, no quiero saber de ti..... por favor....te lo pido por ultima vez.....LET ME GO.... cause u let go the moment you got me.....

Disney wasnt wrong after all...

Like Alanis sang, im Head Over Heels,I walk around with a silly smile and i dont get mad anymore,I see him and I start to believe in the fairy tale, the real one,the one that Disney sold me, 21 years ago, while i was glued to the tv, every friday night, on RAI1, and the princess would find her prince charming, and her life would change.... Later Hollywood sold me the happy ending, where the guy would just come out of nowhere and sweep her off her feet, just when she had given up on love...
And now...just when i had given up on all hope, when i had believed that happiness, love, and understanding werent part of my script, when i had stopped watching chick flicks and reading chick lit.... he came along...and with persuasion he has swept me off my feet...he has showed me a new side, a new hope, a new world...And the pessimist in me believes that this is not going to last for long...but my positive side shushes it and tells me to keep dreaming, keep enjoying this feeling..and he might turn out to be a jerk, but i know he cant be like the jerkest of all...i already had that in my life....no, he is just like good....a good person, an open, honest, not mind game person, the one who doesnt have to wait to call, who is not afraid to fall.... and i like it..is a first for me...to have everything said to me...to not wait by the phone, to not being played on....
so there is hope, there is someone out there for everyone...i think i have found mine...well he found me...apparently the first day he saw me, he had made up his mind...uhy.....im so so so happy :)

and the ex? a distant memory...that sometimes comes back to hunt me...but i dont pay attention to it...i coudlnt care less about his whereabouts...in fact....although i hate him...i might start to wish him well pretty soon....cause if he hadnt done what he did, i would still be hanging out waiting for him..iw ouldnt be here, happy and almost...just almost...inlove.

a word can make all the difference

Sorry, thats the only word i wanted and needed to hear from you, 

sadly thats the only word you couldnt and wouldnt say, 

As days go by, i realize i can not wish you harm, 

but i can not wish you well either, 

Its sad cause what was my best memory, turned out to be the worst

and i wish i can delete you, delete our past, and forget that one day i even met you....

I will never forget and forgive you, for making me feeling Hate,

and thats what i feel for you, 

and its true, u can only hate whom u have really loved....

Fanny Lu. Que no eres para mi

Que me dice que me quiere, que vivir sin mí no puede Que le agobian los momentos en que no estoy junto a él, que siempre me había esperado Que era quien había soñado, la que su mama quería pa’que fuera su mujer.Que mis ojos son estrellas, que mi risa es la más bella Que todos mis atributos son perfectos para el Que si fuera un retratista, que si fuera un buen artista yo sería su Monalisa y hasta un tango de Gardel, Y eso no lo trago YO.Quiero que tú sepas que no eres para mí, Siempre supe pero no hice caso, Que ni se te ocurra aparecer por aquí,Con tus enredos y cuentos baratos Quiero que tú sepas que yo no soy para tiQue ni se me ocurra estar de nuevo junto a ti Mi corazón no aguanta más fracasos...Que me promete la luna Que yo soy como ninguna Que parezco una doncella de esas que hay que protegerQue sus vicios ha dejado Que su sueldo le ha aumentado Que me promete la vida que yo siento merecer Y eso no lo trago yo...Que no me convenías, que eras mi destrucción Y siempre yo tratando de dejarte Tu día ya llego.

Ya me cansé.

Asi fue como yo veía lo nuestro,
Yo mirando hacia el norte, tu al sur,
yo queriéndote amar, tu amando tu libertad
yo buscando, tu escapando,
yo llorando, tu impasible...
Y ahora, cuando yo,
empiezo a vivir mi vida, dia tras dia,
cuando me levanto sin pensar en ti,
cuando al fin encuentro a alguien con quien reir,
cuando me doy cuenta que la vida a tu lado no era tan perfecta.....
Tu decides hablar,
Hablar del amor que sientes por mi,
de la importancia que le das a mi vida,
de todo lo feliz que fuiste a mi lado,
de lo mucho que sientes haberme herido...
Pero eres tu...y al final de todo eso...me dices...ADIOS......
Yo ya no soy la de antes,
yo ya no lloro por ti,
estos ojos ya no aguantan más...
te di mi vida, no pudiste aprovecharla...
y pa que me dices todo eso ahora, para despues decirme Adios...
este circulo vicioso se cerró...para siempre....
no eres lo que esperaba, y jamás lo serás.
Yo seguire persiguiendo sueños, y te digo algo??
SE QUE SERË MAS FELIZ

its happening

a blur of emotions...a bunch of opportunities...am i getting wiser or what is it happening to me? i am at ease, i have been on dates, i have met wonderful people...most importantly....i have learned to laugh..to smile...and not to think of you....

uhmm..when all is said and done...whats left?

turns out K was dead right, and my fear was well founded.... X did just what he is good at, hurt me and leave me out in the cold, with no explanation, with nothing, just he is hurtful words, his coldness and he left behind, not a broken, but a shattered heart...confusion, tears, and he left me without energies....now i can see what K was talkin about the other day...this it is...this is how i use to feel....

as clear as the water from the mountains...i can see , he isnot fdor me, and i am not for him.... i am the worst copy of myself when im with him, and he doesnt bring my best side to shore...his negativity, his constant complaining....thats it....

and as i reemerge from the darkest hours and holidays of my life...i have a fewe moments a day of complete sanity and i am ok..... of course, still lingers the need to wanting to know, why? why me? why again? but then the answer i guess we all know....CAUSE I BLOODY WANTED IT..... i looked for trouble and trouble came to me....

i have a thousand and more questions for him, but i will never ask, i will never look for the answer...im tired..im exhausted...all my energies have been taken away... its time to hit teraphy again......

hope u all had a great xmas and new years.....

ahh.....after all is said and done....there is NOTHING left.....

to change...

im scared, scared that you will wake up one day and leave...leave without notice, without an excuse, just leave.... and leave me here...once again... i dont want that to happen....and i can see you are changing, i can see every little thing you do to make me feel better, and to show me you are in this, that we are in this together....but the fear is there...it can only leave with time....
i wish everyday would be like the day i saw in your eyes no fear to love me back....and to give yourself the chance to be happy..... your past is your past...our past is our past...and it should stay there....i dont want to talk about it anymore, i dont want to think about it anymore.... what is done is done....looking towards what may come is the only thing we have left.....so please....let go...let me catch you....when will you understand that i will not be going anywhere? and dont be afraid...i dont depend on you, i can live on my own....i just dont want to

uhmm...maybe i am wrong

Last night, at dinner, i put on my brave face and told her the news...her face was stone cold..she didnt express an emotion...she just put down her fork, looked straight to my eyes and said: please tell me you are fucking joking me....i will not discuss this with u, i live too far away to hold your hands and your tears when he brakes your heart...once again.... M, please...please...dont do it to yourself....why? why would u even consider it?
i didnt know what to reply...i was looking back at her....i dunno maybe i hoped she would tell me that if i loved him, then good luck....but she was determined to not let me say those words...she stared at me....i stared back..... and at that point i rewinded my mind, and thought, that my girls all have the same opinion....so maybe i am the one who is in the wrong side..... i had to ask her...the others wouldnt know as much as she knows, she is, after all, my mirror and my history book (i have a very very light memory, i forget everything)....and i asked her: was it that BAD???? cause i cant seem to recall...amen, i know i had cried and i was hurt..but did i really went through hell and back?
She said: it was horrible....those were the worst months of your life, it was constant tears, constant fighting, never sure of what you had, your smile was random...and u know how i hated yr 1st bf, but with him, you were happy while it lasted, you only got hurt at the end.....with X....oh boy..... i dont want you to go back that road.....M, you have so much in you, give it to someone else....someone who wouldnt play u......

and that was it. Case closed...K didnt want to talk about it anymore, she just pleaded me to give up and move on, to just be me, to forget the love , if there ever was any (her words not mine).....

and i think to myself...did he actually played me? is my memory so thin that i dont recall that hell?i know i was upset and didnt know how to get to him, but..... was it that BAD

but...i trust him....is this fucked up? have i reached the maximum level of insanity? why do i keep holding on to him, do i really feel i can make him happy? wouldnt i lose my happiness if i follow that road? was Dj right? was i already emotionally damaged when he loved me? is X the cause of my damage? what the hell is going on? do i love him or do i just want to prove a point?

i think i am falling in love, and i know i am not making a mistake...my family is all right with it.....shouldnt K be alright with it as well.....?????

uffff

would you for once look at me back?

before u read this i may clarify that i am not schizophrenic, nor i suffer from illusion....i just type this blog as it comes...feelings reemerge when ppl of my past appear out of nowhere and i feel like expressing myself....

One last drop...

you and i clash...just like a thunderstorm.... u do this, i do that and one of us, or both will end up hurt...we wont win this game...so, lets call it quits...allright? lets just be....whatever we are meant to be....friends we are not.... maybe efriends.... and nothing is wrong with u, is just that like me, u are afraid of commitment....u dont want to be tied down, and when i make a move u run, when u make a move, i am already 500 km away from u... we dont ve the right timing nor the right place...maybe i dont even have the heart to endure u another time.....maybe...just maybe....

y0u have grown up....and u r great as a person....just not great for me.....and i am not good for u...trust me on this one...i ll give u a headache every single day of your life... but i want to see you happy...more than anything...cause in a perversed, twisted way, i love you, i care for you and i just want to hug u till u cant breath again.... (so i ll prevent u from opening that stupid mouth of yours!)

so...the last drop just let the tap and filled the glass.... now i look at u...would u, for once look at me back?