eight years....fly...

eight years ago..to the date i was a simple teenage girl...who couldnt wait to leave the island, i already had my placement in university, and i thought i had my life all figured out, i had wanted that place for so long, that getting it was a miracle (i was just a girl from a spanish school and since all the ppl from the english schools had already bein rejected, i honestly thought i didnt have a chance)(silly me) , and then one day, in october 2000 i realized i was inlove..in a way i had never been, i was floating in air, i was glowing inside and out, and the object of my affection seemed to love me too....and i blurted out, i told him i loved him....i think he got shocked, but i was naive, and wasnt afraid to show what was really going inside of me..... 

and i miss my old self...the happiness i saw in everything, the lack of irony and cinicism, the feel of vulnerability, of not being afraid of showing it...of believing that that was it.... my first love.... 

and now i find myself distrusting everyone around... thinking what are they after and im missing the best of life.... i would love to be a little less careless and see the world in the same pink colour my parents painted it for me...im going to work on that.....

the past should stay there...in the past

i wasnt expecting in him ever ever contacting me again... he called to see how i was doing..and he opened a can of worms...yes, cause i was FINE living without him, i was doing just OK...he added me to his FB and i accepted it...we chatted on gmail... why did i accept? i dont know...maybe cause i was curious about his whereabouts...how life was treating him....

Leaving him, breaking off the relationship wasnt easy, it took me time and courage to break it off... i almost believe it was like a divorce..,.or worse....when you share your life with someone for so long, the moment you call it quits a bit of you ends right there and then, and you ll never get it back...if you have been in my situation u ll understand...if you havent...well.... u r warned! 

i always knew i would ve never had left him if i stayed in the UK , but i was here and he was there...2 years i could handle...but more...i couldnt... and i was aware of the two of us who loved more was him..he adored me, the floor i touched was magic for him...although he did expect my decision, he didnt accept it...

and all this while, that i ve been in the island, i ve been dating, and lately crushing...but things really never go anywhere...i had a theory you see? i had a theory that he still hold on to me..he hadnt let me go and that love , that energy was giving me bad luck and preventing from go to dating casually to proper dating.... and also that i was greiving in my own silent way, putting a shell...but more of it was that his energy was affecting me..aa.

and today i proved, well he proved to me that my theory was just right... he still holds on to me...he doesnt learn to let it go...he looked at my FB photos and this is what he said , and i quote :"  see a picture with u and some fucking guy and then i start getting ulcer pains cos i wanna slap the mother fucker for smiling in a picture with the most imporant thing in my life"........me....speechless.... i didnt know how to react to that statement...im the most important thing in his life...and i told him to let me go, to just accept out fate...but i dont think it will go until he wants to let go.... 

and is hurting me to know that he is hurting... it really is... i might come out as cold hearted, but i loved him...i shared so much with him...he was a part of my life but i guess i was his life....... 

i pray that he forgets me...cause aint worthed of his love...i ve issues...i ve other things in my life and i feel i really him to release me from this...... 

crushing like a teen

i have a crush...a crush who sits beside me @ school, a crush that was a friend until he decided to kiss me...a crush that doesnt know he is my crush.... in fact, he believes he is so out of my league that there is no place for him in my life...he believe i love someone else....and do i say anything? no...i keep playing this game..of subtle looks...of hands sharing the same space and sometimes touching...and when he touches me...butterflies and all are all over my body.... and im happy... for 4 hours a day im happy...cause i had not felt like this in ages, cause the anticipation, the wisper, the chats that we share.. we are like partners in crime..we are crushing on eachother....i can feel it...i can see it.... and it will stay that way...cause maybe he is right to believe what he believes...and maybe im just entertaining myself .... 

but im crushing..... hehehehehhe...... i dont think its advisible for me to drink on friday night..i dont think i lll be able to hold this crush when mixed with vodka and cramberry...and his eyes on me...uhmmmmmm

well ppl, just in case you didnt notice..i feel like a teenage girl..and...ITS AWSOME!!!!!

Meme

Si fuera palabra: Nostalgia
Si fuera número: 5
Si fuera bebida: Mies 
Si fuera animal: Ave
Si fuera pájaro: Águila
Si fuera algo de la casa: Televisor
Si fuera una zona del cuerpo: Ojos
Si fuera una obra de arte: Monalisa
Si fuera flor: Trinitaria
Si fuera dibujo animado: Madrina de Padrinos Magicos
Si fuera una película: When Harry Met Sally
Si fuera una fruta: Melon
Si fuera un recuerdo: Un atardecer en la playa
Si fuera color sería: Fucsia
Si fuera un sentimiento sería: Amor
Si fuera un sentido: Vista
Si fuera un partido político o un político sería: Independiente
Si fuera una fecha sería: ...
Si fuera un juego infantil: 1,2,3 Stella!
Si fuera un planeta sería: Marte
Si fuera algo del baño sería: Lozas
Si fuera un instrumento musical sería: Guitarra
Si fuera una figura geométrica sería: Circulo
Si fuera un idioma sería: Esperanto
Si fuera uno de los 7 pecados capitales sería: Vanidad
Si fuera un día de la semana: Miercoles
Si fuera una prenda de vestir: Vestido de verano
Si fuera un país: Inglaterra
Si fuera una comida: Helado
Si fuera una frase sería: “A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left. "

that third kiss

he kissed me once out of nowhere, i didnt expected it, not from him...he was my friend.... he kissed me twice... again i didnt expected it...and this time i told him i was in love with someone...he kissed me the third time, out of nowhere and something changed inside of me....i kissed him back....but not wholly as i should ve...i had spent the whole night thinkin about the otherone... and after the third kiss, the talk that said i couldnt go out with them anymore cause he constantly wanted to kiss me and had to held back cause i had someone in my life.... and after the look...that look i cant forget and that look that prevented me today to look at him, cause i was scared to see what i saw the other night.... and that third kiss, when he said how lucky the guy is....me not saying anything, me not telling him that me and the other are no longer together, that i have shut him out...that i cant carry with that relationship... why didnt i say anything? why did i let him believe i was with someone else? i honestly dont know... 

all i know is that he didnt ve me at hello...he had me at his third kiss..... 

but the third kiss brought awkwardness between us.... i cant be in the same room as him by myself, i cant talk to him and look into his eyes, he cant either... he kissedc me today , in my cheek, a kiss that almost left me a bruise, but he came from behind and i didnt notice his arrival... 

now i look at the sky and ask why? why him? why now? why not before.. why do i ve this urge to kiss him in front of a crowd, like a teenage girl.. and at the same time i still feel i do have some deep feelings for the other (love? nah..) 

anyway, enough with my kisses.... i heard this song yesterday and i felt it was me singing it...to him (not the third kiss, the other) ENJOY!

I BRUISE EASILY

My skin is like a map, of where my heart has been
And I can't hide the marks, but it's not a negative thing
So I let down my guard, drop my defences, down by my clothes
I'm learning to fall, with no safety net, to cushion the blow

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart, carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath I bruise easily, I bruise easily

I've found your finger prints on a glass of wine
Do you know you're leaving them all over this heart of mine too
But if I never take this leap of faith I'll never know
So I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath I bruise easily, I bruise easily

Anyone who, can touch you, can hurt you, or heal you
Anyone who, can reach you, can love you, or leave you

So be gentle
So be gentle
So be gentle
So be gentle

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart, carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath I bruise easily, 

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart, carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath I bruise easily, I bruise easily

I bruise easily
I bruise easily

to you

I ve my own demons to chase,

Cant follow you,

Cant help you....

be careful what you wish for

maybe we dont have the right timing...or maybe is that i have lost my ability to fall inlove...all i know is that you asked...and i just stared right back at you...i wasnt expectng it..not from you, not now...im scared i do not how to leap...i ve lost the ability to do so, without looking 100 times before, to check...im not the same..i dont believe in it anymore...too much water has passed under the bridge... yet as i feel like running a 1000 miles an hour from you, you take my hand and a sense of calmness...of happiness....takes over me...weird.....

The chain has been broken

How sad it it that you wake up a day to late? Do you now understand the power of one phonecall? It took me a long road, a harder heart, and too many things to mention now..but it broke, the chain finally broke and i am free... your double meanings, your uncertainities, you lack of decision, have decided your own fate..at least your fate with me. You disappointed me so many times before, and i kept on hoping, that one day you would wake up...and you did, but a day too late.... Now i do not want your name on my phone screen, nor my msn,gmail,or facebook...I put you in a box, the one i never reopen, never check, the one that is sent to the oblivion of my past mistakes...Maybe i didnt tell you this time around, but i did in the past, i told you many times, the moment i ll leave you, when i will really leave you, you will not know it, you will not forsee it, it will just come. You will wake up and you will not know what the heck hit you.... I told you , you didnt pay attention to me, cause i know im a softy, romanitc and i believe in love, in true love, but i dont believe it has to be a one way road, its 2, and honey, i have stopped waiting for you to come towards me....

I am free, completely and utterly free...

magic times

Two friends, walking through the old streets of Rome, getting into everysingle alley, talking about life, their dreams, their past, how much good University was, and afraid of what the future might hold...two ppl, a man and a woman, eating lunch in some fancy place, made for turists in the middle of Piazza Navona, laughing at themselves, wondering what on earth are they eating with turists..they are italians! They look at stores, but dont buy anything, they talk about books, they decide to eat ice cream in the spanish steps... even though the weather is not so good...and then the sun starts to set in... slowly but surely..the colors in the magic city change, everything looks so beautiful. They walk to the Villa D'este, and watch the sky and what to they see? a Hot air balloon...and they look at eachother and start running towards it, they want to ride in it!! when they arrive, with no breath (cause they are both smokers), they find out it has just closed..is getting late...and the guy says: well another day, the girl: do u think there will be another time? 

And they walk back to the spanish steps, the lights are turning up, the cold weather gets chillier and chillier, he takes her to the subway and hugs her goodbye, and says: i had a wonderful time, i wish we wouldnt be moving so far away from eachother.....and they both felt it..after 3 years of platonic friendship, after an inmense amount of alcohol consumed together, sleepovers in the sofas, study marathons, picnic in Vicky park..that moment, the moment they are going to say goodbye (maybe forever), they realize , they wish, they had gone further in their friendship, but there is no time anymore.... one goes south, the other goes across the pond...there is a promise to see eachoter again, maybe he will take his boat to the caribbean..but thats just promises....and that was long ago... and everytime i see a hot air balloon, in the internet, i think of that moment..i was the girl, and we didnt see eachother anymore...we have drift apart, eachone in its own world...where are u my dear friend and how is life treating you? 

rain rain and more rain!!!!

Im tired of the rain! Enough! and is not cause the streets look like rivers (although not as much as few years back), and not cause the sun i miss, i hate the rain cause is HOT, amen, HOT RAIN! I want cold weather, cold rain, the whole deal, this hot, rain only makes it worse..... 

but my post is not going to be about the horrible weather we are having this summer...

my best friend is broken hearted, and im not there with her...and i wish i was, just comfort her, cause she did make the best decision, but i know is though...after 3 years of living together, after purchasing a house, after all the upside downs she called it quits. She stopped loving him and left. I admire her for that, cause i would have never had the guts to do something like that...amen, i 2 lived with my ex 4 a year, but then we had 2 years of long distance relationship (a bummer), but it was so HARD for me to break up...the feeling was not the same, but we had shared so much, our lives had become entwined, and i was SCARED to put myself out there, to start anew, to change my dreams and goals that i had share with him for four years in total...and after so much thinking i did it...it was awful, waking up and realizing all the sacrifices i had made i felt i had threw it down the drain.. it was hard cause i 2, like my friend now, i was alone, amen, i had my family and my friends from DR, but i didnt have my REAL friends, the ones that really count..they were all oever the world UK, Spain, SIngapore, ITaly and USA...

And after 12 months of have completely cut him out of my life...sometimes i do wonder if i made a mistake, but then i realize, it had to be done.... and i have survived that, and with some scars, and some extra baggage, but after 12 months i do think i am where i never expected to be... at peace with myself and getting rid of all the past.....