Nothing to hide..nothing to lose

Aunque te deje....

2011-04-16T17:06:00.000-07:00

Esta cancion, cada vez que la pasan en la radio, me mueve el alma....por muchas razones, o tal vez por solo una?

No te me pongas triste cuando me mires
que se me parte el alma por lo que dices,
que yo acabé contigo puede ser cierto
pero algo queda en mí, no todo ha muerto.
No te me pongas triste cuando me escuches
comprendo lo que sientes pero no dudes
que si me necesitas puedes llamarme
que para verte a ti jamás es tarde.
Y aunque te deje yo no te olvido,
ha sido fuerte el amor que nos ha unido
y no se puede borrar en un segundo
lo que nos queda de haber vivido juntos.
Y aunque te deje yo no te olvido,
ha sido fuerte el amor que nos ha unido
y no se puede borrar en un segundo
lo que nos queda de haber vivido juntos.
No te me pongas triste cuando recuerdes
que lo que tú me diste no se me pierde,
y te sigo queriendo de otra manera,
esto es lo que quería que tú supieras.
Y aunque te deje yo no te olvido,
ha sido fuerte el amor que nos ha unido
y no se puede borrar en un segundo
lo que nos queda de haber vivido juntos.
Y aunque te deje yo no te olvido,
ha sido fuerte el amor que nos ha unido
y no se puede borrar en un segundo
lo que nos queda de haber vivido juntos.
Y aunque te deje yo no te olvido,
ha sido fuerte el amor que nos ha unido...

we are who we are thanks to our decisions and our past

2011-04-13T18:15:00.000-07:00

we are who we are today, April 13th of 2011, thanks to our past... let me rephrase it, we are the result of the decisions we took in the past, the result of the people who interacted with us, wether we took left or right in the corners that have been presented upon us, without those decisions, without our past, we wouldnt be who we are NOW, we would be someone else.

So, its very important for me to aknowledge the past, to accept it, to let it go. I believe that until you dont aknowledge it, you wont be able to move foward.

How can someone live like if the past has not occurred? Maybe their past was so dark, that is hard for them to revisit it and close the door? Cant they understand that whenever they keep their luggage on their backs, it will be so hard to move to the next chapter?

I have made peace with my past, with my lovers, with my enemies, and with whoever passed thru my life.... and i am pleased. Pleased cause my doors that lie behind me are locked and only i hold the key. I am pleased cause i can open the ones in front of me without any effort, it so easy to look forward to my future.....

so... when you look into my eyes and tell me there is nothing about your past... i hardly believe it... you are not a newborn, you have gone through life....

THe day you can look into my eyes and tell me what i dont know, what is keeping you away...us apart.... when that day comes.. i might be willing to let you in into my present and into my future.....

y dicen que el tiempo ayuda...

2011-04-05T13:59:00.000-07:00

8 anyos, 3 meses y 13 dias despues, tu partida duele igual o mas.

La necesidad de un abrazo tuyo, empiezo a entender, que jamas se iran.

Encontrar un alma tan pura y tan generosa como la tuya, no es posible.

Cada vez que algo bueno pasa en mi vida, quisiera poder compartir mi felicidad contigo...pero no estas....

El dia de mi boda, en camino al altar...eras tu que tenias que llevarme...porqué te fuiste tan temprano? Es que acaso no sabías que te necesitaba aún? Yo no estaba lista para decirte adiós....

Sabes que por 3 anyos no logré botar una sola lágrima? El día que fui a tu funeral no lo recuerdo... emocionalmente estuve congelada. Nada salio de mi.

Mientras los otros presentes seguro pensaron que simplemente yo era una persona fría y sin emociones, mi mejor amigo, el único que me conoce, me dijo al oido: el que no estés llorando me asusta....

Es que cuando el dolor es tan grande, no salen las lágrimas...simplemente no salen...

Y ahora, de vez en cuando, de noche, cuando pienso en todo lo que tengo que hacer, en todos mis problemas, lo unico que quisiera es que tu me dieras un abrazo, eso me bastaría para saber que todo está bien....

Y te veo, cuando más te necesito tu vienes en mis suenyos, me abrazas, por unos segundos me siento una nina otra vez, pero al despertarme y darme cuenta que eso fue solo un suenyo, lloro...lloro las lagrimas que encerré en mi misma, lloro como si el mundo se fuera a acabar....

Abuelito....te extranio tanto....

this is the day that.....

2011-03-09T14:54:00.000-08:00

... I want to feel the hot sand burning my skin,

... I want to taste the salty water of the caribbean,

... I want to drive with the music so loud that i forget the world keeps spinning,

... I want to walk along the ocean,

... I want to jump just because i can see him looking at me,

... I want to have a racing heartbeat ,

... I want to dream about the love of my life,

... I want to discover what makes me tick,

... I want to laugh so hard, that tears come out,

... I want someone to hold my hand, and assure me everything will be allright,

... I want a hug so tight...it hurts ,

... I want to rewind 15 years,

... I want to be free,

... I want to forget so much...

yes... today I want to forget..... and for once, let my heart make the decisions... not my head......

a lift

2011-01-10T16:33:00.000-08:00

A moment, a split second, and you wake up and a huge weight has been lifted from you... You dont know how, or when, and you think to yourself that maybe its true, time does heal it all.... The funny thing is that i didnt know what was really bothering me, until i felt so light, that i could fly away...

I have come with terms with my past and my present... and it has been mostly positive...

There is an african belief that you must cross a sea to get over some past worries.... mine to leave me alone had to cross an ocean and 3 different seas... and TIME.... loads of it.... five years worth......

what happens when you realize you have taken the wrong turn?

2010-12-09T12:25:00.000-08:00

what happens when you realize that you have made a terrible mistake? when you accept that the only person reliable for the mistake is YOU?

What happens when reality hits and understand what was bothering your insides for so long? What if your mistake has made your life and other peoples life a bit umbearable?

What if the mistake can not easily be solved? what happens then? can anyone tell me?

Amigos...

2010-11-06T12:06:00.000-07:00

Los humanos vamos por la vida, encontrandonos en nuestros caminos a personas que nos acompanan.... Hay personas, que nos los encontramos desde pequenios, con quienes se tienen los mismos backgrounds (cuando pequenio es muyyy raro conseguir amiguitos que no sean vecinos ni que esten en otro colegio, al fin, esos son nuestros mundos), pues asi seguimos hasta llegar a la edad "de madurez"o como se les dice: los 18 anios....

Los 18 anios, son simbolos de cambios, nuevos ambientes en donde desenvolverse, nuevas personas llegan a tu vida... para la mayor parte de las personas el cambio no es muy brusco, pues se quedan en la misma ciudad donde crecieron, con la misma cultura, puede que ya los amiguitos nuevos no sean vecinitos, pero definitivamente no son tan diferentes a uno....

Yo, no tuve esa suerte, y le doy gracias a Dios por no haberla tenido. A los 17 anios, entre a internet, busque las mejores universidades que impartian mi carrera (sin importarme en que lado del mundo se encontraran), empece a prepararme, hice mis examenes, y en cada una de las universidades que aplique.....fui aceptada.... Pero me decidi por una, la que mejor calidad tenia y la que primero me acepto. Y a los 18 anios, me arme de valor, de ropa invernal y me subi a ese avion....Sin saber, que al regresar 4 anios despues, ni la sombra de lo que era...volveria....

Tengo la suerte de poder decir a plena voz, que YO disfrute cada minuto de mi vida universitaria.

Yo bebi, yo sali, yo conoci muchas personas de diferentes culturas, yo me di cuenta de que SOLA podia enfrentarme a la vida y que no me moriria , yo amaneci viendo las estrellas, yo camine a las 1, 2, 3, 4 de la manana, solo por el simple hecho de que tenia ganas de dar un paseo, yo no deje que un segundo de esos cuatro anios se me fuera de las manos, como se dice aqui "le saque el jugo a mi tiempo", pero lo mejor que me paso, en esos 4 anios...por quien y con quien logre sacarle lo mejor al tiempo, fueron mis amigos, las unicas personas que hasta el dia de hoy, me aceptan por lo que soy, con los que puedo compartir mis suenios, mis preocupaciones y JAMAS sentirme cohibida.

Pq , de repente quiero hablar de ellos? Pues uno de ellos perdio a su madre...y ahora, cuando los 6 vivimos en 5 continentes diferentes, cuando hay mares, rios y montanias entre nosotros, pues el, nos necesito. A nosotros, que estuvimos por anios lejos fisicamente, a los que el llama su Familia, a los que nos sentimos como un circulo especial, donde nadie, ni nuestras parejas, jjamas podran entender.... En esos momentos tristes de su vida, cuando le pudimos dar aliento por email, y por telefono, el penso en nosotros en el momento de dedicar su tesis de su PhD.... Y lo que el siente, asi lo sentimos... a bond..that few have and experience in a lifetime....

Y me hizo comprender algo.. Nosotros somos 6 personas, con 6 caracteres totalmente diferentes, con 6 backgrounds opuestos,.... aun asi logramos formar algo duradero, algo que no necesita llamadas diarias, ni visitas todos los meses....pq sabemos...que no importa la distancia, ni el tiempo que haya pasado desde nuestro ultimo encuentro....que lo que tenemos es REAL.....

Ahora solo que queda esperar con ansias al verano'11, cuando por primera vez, desde que nos graduamos, podre volver a verlos todos en el mismo lugar.....

i dont want to.... you push me to...

2010-08-04T13:08:00.000-07:00

I didnt search for an option, i didnt even consider to have to search for an option...

yet you ask me to......

I drove 3 hours today....and the smell of mangoes sent me far away...sent me back where it all started... sent me back to what i have tried to erase...

and then an email in my inbox lights up my face.. you dont know, you will never know it... it will break you, you wouldnt understand...

yes.... YOU... wouldnt understand what is like to have a bond...and emotional bond with someone.... to have been away from that person and still feeling closer than ever.... you wont understand if i tell you how important is for me to talk to that person.... how much pain, tears, laughs, joy and hugs i have spent with that person... how it `cant be erased so easily......

You wont understand cause you dont know and will never experience that level of bonding.....

i ve been through your past... and aint that different from our present.... you dont believe in changing... you dont believe in staying....

and i, my darling, believe in living with the person i cant live without......

Regret/Miss

2010-06-25T22:00:00.001-07:00

I dont regret leaving,

I miss going back,

I dont regret getting married,

I miss being free,

I dont regret embracing the sun, and the constant heat,

I miss enjoying the wind breaking my skin,

I dont regret growing up,

I miss being childish,

I dont regret the healty meal,

I miss a good old fashioned full english breakfast,

I dont regret saying goodbye,

I miss saying hello......

So much has changed....So much has being said and done, roads have been taken, and suddenly you realize, that you no longer are 20, and you have your whole life ahead of you, but you are almost 30, with a husband, a mortgage and all the responsabilities that come with it, and you have already decided what your life is gonna be like....

Would have i done something different??? From 2001 to 2005 i wouldnt change a bit, NOTHING, my life was perfect.... I enjoyed, i loved it.... I lived, i made mistakes (which is normal once you throw yourself at life), i didnt say NO (suddenly, now, thats all i say), I went to clubs, i danced my ass off, i drank, i smoked, i tried everything, but thats not the most important part, I had TOTAL control of my life, i spent time knowing new people, making friends for life, getting to know myself.... it was a time when i HAD the time to search inside, and look what i wanted.... Did i want to stay up all night eating chocolate and watching old movies? of course I could... i didnt ve to wake up to go to work, i didnt need to do anything to survive....

A time, that everyone needs.... cause after you are done with University, then Reality hits you and you wont ve the time to know yourself, cause life aint givin you the chance anymore......

Anyway.... i guess i just miss England.... all this rain, has made me remembered how it was to actually miss the sun.... and with that memory all the other flew by without permission.....

Anyway, if anyone reads this, and is still at uni, my only advice is to enjoy it! cause sooner than you think, you ll be waking up changing diapers :)

the 22-28th day

2010-05-28T17:16:00.000-07:00

Those days im usually possessed...... the PMS takes over me and no matter how much i try not to change my behaviour or normal reactions...i fail...miserably....

Its like if the rest of the month i had been keeping it all inside, and bummmm!!!! those days the vault explodes!

I hate myself before and after, cause i know how annoy i can be, how fk up i really sound whenever i open my mouth.... but the doctor says is a hormone thing.... only thing i have to do is try and eat lots of chocolates (that seems to chill me out a bit)....

And he stands by me....thats when i know how much he loves me, and that is why from day 1 to day 22 i shower him with love and appreciation, cause i know that those 6 days from hell, could (have ) been a deal breaker....

And he brings me cakes, chocolates and ice creams :) just to make me happy (i suspect is also his fear of my tears, so he prevents it in every way possible)....

Perdon, pero no me puedo quedar callada..

2010-05-18T19:03:00.000-07:00

Hay un lugar en el mundo.... un lugar donde la historia vuelve y se repite..... donde el significado de democracia aún no ha calado al diccionario local... donde la conciencia cuesta 200 pesos.... y donde el bienestar común no existe.

Hay un lugar en el mundo...donde un delincuente tiene la parte de capitán del barco... y no le importa que el barco se hunda, total hay una balsa y un salvavidas, solo y exclusivamente para el....

Hay un lugar en el mundo... donde se hacen las elecciones para satisfacer la crítica internacional, pero jamás para respetar el voto del pueblo......

Hay un lugar en el mundo....dónde sus gobernantes dicen que sólo Dios puede hacerlos bajar.... y me pregunto.... qué es lo que espera Dios para bajarlos????

Hay un lugar en el mundo....donde ya no hay esperanza, donde los que habitan su congreso y la cámara de diputados o se blanquean las narices con polvo blanco o se llenan los bolsillos con el dinero producido por ese polvo blanco... (claro que después de darle su parte al capitán del barco)

Hay un lugar en el mundo....del cual me voy a despedir, preparando mis maletas, y lléndome sin mirar atrás....porque duele demasiado, verlo hundirse por su ceguera.......

you look through me

2010-05-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

I am here, how can u feel me there?

I am miles away, how do u know when tears are coming down my face?

I have something you gave me....it keeps me going when i realize im facing this world alone....

I miss your hugs.... I miss your looks....I miss having you beside me, giving me strenght, telling me i can do it....

On rainy days....on sunny days... i miss you

happiness tends to take me away from my writings

2010-04-16T05:27:00.000-07:00

Life is never perfect, you decide to make it perfect... my life is not a fairytale, neither a hollywood movie... its a normal life, but every morning i decide to put on my pink glasses and to see the better out of everything that surrounds me...and it works......

and my living has been better since i stopped wondering why i wasnt happy and decided to grab happiness by myself :)

i havent posted in a while, cause i havent had the time nor the inspiration (was busy making a home out of my house)....

but im back.....with opinions, thoughts and many more things.... will be writing about soon :)

14 de febrero, cupido existe?

2010-02-06T18:06:00.000-08:00

Yo nunca celebré los 14 de febrero con novios, siempre tomé ese día como algo puramente comercial y honestamente, banal. La mayoría de las veces me lo pasaba con mis amigas o mi hermana, y cuando estaba en la universidad ni me acordaba que ese día existía (allá no había este consumismo extremo de los gringos), y era un alivio....

Dicho esto, el anio pasado, yo estaba en pijamas, había almorzado con mi hermana, les había mandado las gracias a mis amigas y a mi mejor amigo, por siempre estar a mi lado, en las buenas y en las malas, y pues, con la hartura del mediodía me dispuse a ver tv, se planteaba como una noche aburrida, pues no quería salir y además era el concierto de Juan Luis Guerra, la mayoría de la ciudad estaba concentrada en el estadio olímpico. De repente a las 9 de la noche me llama una compañera de la universidad, ella acababa de romper con el novio de 7 anios, y me pidió que saliera con ella y con su primo, que realmente no quería estar en casa... yo le dije que no estaba de ánimos, que estaba en tranquilidad, pero ella me recordó que en la calle no iba a haber mucha gente, así que me cambiara..... sin ganas, me puse lo primero que encontré y me pasaron a buscar. Cuando entro al carro, la llama otra compañera de nosotros de la uni y le pregunta que a donde vamos, ella le contesta que no sabe y la otra le dice el lugar. y le dice que ella irá allá con un chico que acaba de conocer...

Ahora bien, cuando a mi me dijo esta chica el lugar que íbamos a ir, yo por poco la mato y le digo que mejor me devuelvan a mi casa, pero me tragué mi mala vibra y callé ( era el lugar donde mi ex novio sieeeeempreeeeee iba los fines de semana).

Llegamos al sitio, bebimos un poco, la música estaba perfecta, y llega la otra compañera, con un chico mucho más joven que ella (ella de 40, el no se veía mas de 27) la otra compañera lo conocía del trabajo y se pusieron a conversar , y yo con el estrés de que mi ex en cualquier momento podría llegar, ni caso le hice.... baile y bebí, pero sin darle mas vueltas al asunto.

Obviamente, el ex llegó, no se si me vio, pero traté de no hacer contacto visual y verme en la mala situación de saludarlo o no saludarlo.

El muchacho que vino acompañado de la compañera, de repente dice que se va y todos decidimos irnos (yo feliz), y nos devolvemos.....

Yo cumplo el 23 de febrero, y la compañera de la uni me preguntó si podía llevar al chico, que jamás había vuelto a ver, pero que el 14 de camino a casa le había comentado que le caí bien, así ella tendría su excusa y yo un invitado más, pero no me preocupaba mucho, pq para mi el simplemente era el chico con el cual ella salía, y estaba en una etapa de mi vida, donde no me importaba nada del sexo masculino (ni femenino, por siaca :P)

Mi fiesta fue el 21, porque el 23 caia lunes, todo fue bn, y el chico nunca apareció.

El lunes 23 el chico me mandó un mensaje por el fb, felicitándome, disculpándose por no haber podido ir al cumple y preguntándome si no me molestaba que el me agregara al fb, yo sin darle mente le dije que gracias y que claro que me podia agregar. .. esa noche el chico volvió a mandarme un msg por el fb, pidiéndome mi email, ya que no entraba mucho al fb....le di el email...

El día después en la uni, mi compañera me cuenta que el chico la había llamado y le había contado que el 14 iba a salir a una reunión de trabajo con la otra compañera y que realmente a el nunca le interesó, que nunca pasó nada entre ellos y que el estaba interesado en mi..... yo me exploté de la risa, porque pensé : andaba como una loca, ni caso le hice, y este loco está interesado en mi?

A partir de ahi, la cosa fue muyyyyy lenta, hablamos mucho, nos conocimos, y al final, en un mes estaré casada con el.... cuando le pregunto que le pasó por la mente ese 14 de febrero, fue: que serías mi esposa..... jejejejejejje.....

Me rio, me rio porque cupido a lo mejor existe, porque esa noche el que nos habría visto habría pensado que éramos el agua y el aceite, el tan serio, yo tan despreocupada, el con los pies sobre la tierra y yo tan áerea..... pero me di cuenta que eso es lo que tanto busqué y nunca encontré.... hasta ese 14 de febrero......

Ahora vamos por la mano juntos por esta vida, y de vez en cuando yo me vuelo por los aires, y el vuelve y me trae de vuelta a la realidad, y otras veces, el es demasiado serio y yo lo hago volar por encima de las ciudades y montes de esta pequeña , pero grandiosa isla.........

-38 days

2010-02-02T18:03:00.000-08:00

My grandma was a wise wise woman, everything she said was always right, maybe at first things were not really true but in the long run, life showed me she had the last word......

Now im 38 days from my wedding day...it breaks my heart everytime i think about it and know that she wont be there for my special day...neither will be there my grandad (who i loved and still love like i will never love again).... Getting back to my grandma and her wisdom.... she once told me to never marry a man whom i loved more than he loved me, cause i would end up hurting...obviously i didnt believe her, i thought that those were just thoughts of old fashioned women and that in the 21st centuries that wasnt just right...So i went through life having boyfriends and loving them.... getting hurt in the way, getting so hurt that after almost a decade i decided to stay single and ve babies on my own when i reached my 30's...thats a thought that would ve killed my grandparents....

So the universe, (or my grandparents from heaven?? who knows?) decided to send to my path a young good man... And i fought at the beginning, i didnt want to fall in love...eventually i got engaged, inlove yes, but scared like hell cause i didnt know what i was going into to...in this 9 months of engagement i ve wanted to call it off a hundred times, however i never could end it...cause he was there, just patient, like knowing that my tantrums were just a way for me to push him away....

Now im 38 days away from the big day, and even though i wasnt sure , now i am, i know i am going down the altar inlove, totally and absolutely loving every bit of his existence, not infatuated, not like a school girl, but with a kind of mature love, where i have the trust, the companionship and the confort..... and maybe grandma was wrong in one thing, cause i love him just as much as he loves me.... or maybe she just didnt structure well her thoughts and what she meant was that i needed to marry someone who i wasnt infatuated with..... who know? but im sure that she is up there with grandpa, smiling down at me and at him...cause we might

los olores y los recuerdos

2009-07-26T07:20:00.000-07:00

No se si a ustedces les haya pasado, pero muchas veces, caminando por la ciudad, o hasta en mi misma casa, siento unos olores, que me dan una galleta en la cara y me llevan lejos, donde un día los olí por primera vez....por unos instantes ya no estoy donde mi cuerpo está , sino lejos, muy lejos...en esos momentos que me hicieron reir o llorar, junto al lado de esas personas que tanto quise o a lo mejor tanto me indignaban....

Una vela de Glade,me llevó a mi habitación en la universidad, y sentí una sensación de libertad, de felicidad, dónde todo lo podía hacer, en esos segundos pude ver mi habitacióin de aquel entonces, con su desorden ordenado, y con mi cobija roja y mi pared amarilla..... mi celular nokia y mis 200 cojines esparcidos por toda la habitación... y mi ventanta...mi ventana por donde cada noche observaba la ciudad pasar y me imaginaba la vida de cada uno de los pasantes...

Un perfume en la ferretería... de repente me dió en la cara y me paré sin saber por qué, era un perfume de hombre, y sentí una sensación de miedo, de pequenez, y de inseguridad, me vi con un uniforme rosado y caqui en las calles de mi colegio, y él, un hombre grande cuanto el cielto (en ese entonces así lo percibía), con unos ojos saltones, que destellaban una locura bien guardada y un bastón en la mano derecha, con el que corregía a los ninios.....gracias a Dios ese bastón nunca llegó a cruzarse en mi camino... pero el olor me llevó una vez más a un lugar olvidado....

Andando a caballo en la finca, un olor me llevó aun mas lejos de lo pensado, a memorias olvidadas por mi conciencia, pero que mi inconciente parece que mantenía vivo, era un olor fuerte, a gasolina, mezclado con el olor de un tronco quemado...y me llevó a un pueblo de Africa, que se llama Keren, donde cuando tenía 10 anios fui, yo estaba más emocionada por los camellos y por las reliquias de la post guerra que ahi se encontraban, que realmente por lo que estábamos ahi...ahi estaba el tío abuelo de mi madre, un viejito que aun con sus 90 y pico de anios encima, se acordaba de la historia, de la guerra, de las tantas invasiones....todo eso, en un simple, epro rápido deja vu me llegó......

Y por fin, lo peor de todo, fue el día en que mi futuro esposo vino a buscarme para salir, lo saludo y me da un olor, y no me gusta el lugar donde este olor me esta llevando...es un lugar confuso y sombrío....es el olor que olí por 9 anios.....sin más explicacion y volviendo al presente sin darle mucha vía libre al pasado le dije a mi novio que realmente ese era el perfume mas malo que habia olido en mi vida.... y hasta el día de hoy , jamás ni nunca se lo he vuelto a oler........

Pero me gusta, me gusta recordar el pasado de esa manera, de una manera forzada, por unos segundos yo no estoy en rd, sino que vuelvo a otros lugares, dónde tambien he sido feliz...y a lo mejor...dónde aprendí a ser yo misma....

blind to the real society

2009-06-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

sometimes we have to stand back and look at the big picture.

As i do that, i start to understand how lost i am. How i ve been living in another dimension, how much i miss looking at the small picture...well... kinda...

When you open your eyes and you realize that the country you have been living in for almost 15 years (or is it more?) , is not the country you thought it was, then reality hits you hard, real hard and you realize your just as snob as your neighbord, you, the one who thought who was humble , are not.

The country i lived in, the city i inhabited , the places i have been are not much different to the place i come from, in regards to housing, technology and cars, however, the real country, the one in the big picture is the opposite...while my teenage sister is busy getting the latest smartphone (BB), others teenagers of her same age are worried about how they are going to raise their children. While i was in university, thousand and thousand of miles away, and was worried about which clothes to wear, the people of my age, the ones in the big pictures, where dealing with money problems, and children, and men..... and me....i lived in a bubble.....

Now i am getting married, and obviously the protocol of my society demands a wedding, with all the decors and the right church...but..... do i really need to spend all that money??? when in the same city i live, in the parts i had never been till the beginning of this week, there are people living under iron roofs and who do not know what they will be eating next.....

A supermarket? no, the ones i have always visited are only for the hundreds of thousand of people of the city, how about the others? where have i lived all this while???? is true, i was here, only km away...however it feels as if i was thougsand of km away.......

I dont want to raise my children oblivious of what their society, its a mistake...cause when they see the big picture, and they are old, they will want to look away....cause it hurts so much, the ignorance i had....

just random thoughts...

they come and go.....and stay

2009-06-13T16:23:00.000-07:00

I feel a bit funny, and is cause today i said goodbye to a friend..i ll see her again in march...but when that person is the one who you talk to every second of your day, a few months seem like an eternity!!! thank God technology will make the distance a bit more bearable, still...i ll miss her....

its not perfect...but it might as well be

2009-06-08T15:14:00.000-07:00

I havent written in ages...i have been busy...yes...busy living the life i finally got...the one i dreamt about for so long, the one i was supposed to have...and somehow never happened...

And i must say its a nice feeling, to wake up in the morning and be glad to get out of bed, to not remember the last time you shed tears, to have your pillow dry... its fu*in great! i never believed it could happen to me...and it did...

And there are mornings, when a cloud passes through my mind and makes me think, why did i wait so long to make the step? why didnt i left before? maybe my life could have started earlier...and sometimes my mind darkens, my eyes feel moist, but i stand up and face the world, and remember that a mistake, even if i had to make it 1000 times to learn, a mistake makes you stronger and makes you understand where you dont want to go.

And the past doesnt leave you , quiete often comes back, in a nightmare, in a thought....what if...he leaves me out in the cold like the other one did......but then i look beside me and there is this certainity inside my heart, that makes me believe, makes me unafraid of jumping with him...

and as the days go by, im happy.....although the little devil inside my head asks me...once in a blue moon : are you going in the fast lane with a tricycle? can you keep up the race?

and i stop....and smile....whatever will come to myh life can come...i know that for now...the tunnel has ended..

time...situations..CHANGE

2009-05-17T19:16:00.000-07:00

two months ago, if you would have asked me where did i see myself in 1 year, i wouldnt have had a clue..i was lost, lonely and didnt seem to know wether i wanted to stay or leave back to europe...but life does really surprise you... fast foward 2 months and ask me that same question and i ll tell you, in one year i ll be on my honeymoon, and probably already back into the lab doing the research i love doing...

i found my dream job, (lab scientist / marketing manager) (since im a bsc in genetics and an MBA in marketing, thats the best job i could ever find), and i ve fallen inlove with a guy who is my male version, i just fit into his life like he fits in mine.. at the beginning i pushed him away, cause i didn t know how to handle all this emotions and all this perfection....but i gave a chance to life.... a chance to live and i ve liked it!

since i was absorbing all this new found happiness i almost forgot my blog...wont happen again...no more tears or grdges....now is all about wedding bells :P

from far and beyond

2009-04-15T19:14:00.000-07:00

What we have is something i will never have, and honestly i dont want to have with anyone, but you...

You know all my ups and downs,

You held me and you pushed me,

You yelled and you whispered,

You cried and you smiled,

You came and you left,

You are you....

You dont need to be close to make me feel

loved,

cared,

understood,

free,

happy,

peaceful.

From miles away, you get me.

And i trust you...i always trusted you... i remember the day i realized and you realized it

In a party, with strangers, and u wanted to make me feel jelous flirting with other girls,

i was ok with it, i didnt mind, and you asked y, and i told you:

You can dance and flirt with every girl, cause at the end of the day, its me who you choose.

And now, we are friends, and when people say that after love there i not friendship, they dont know what they are talking about.

Cause me and you are beyond physical love, we have another love, a pure, and understanding love, a selfless one..

I turn to you for everything...and sometimes, after one of our emails or talks.. i think.... you are the person i could never live without... you know me and love me for who i am, you dont expect anything in return and i love you just as much...i would go to the moon if i needed to...and if someday i can see that i bring you half of the peace you bring me...then i ll be happy....

plus and cons

2009-04-14T16:26:00.000-07:00

The ying and the yang

The sun and the moon

WInter and Summer

Sweet and sour

Positive and negative

Good and Bad

North and South

East and West

Bottom and Top

All this opposites...but what about the middles?

How about people like me who like

Spring and Fall

Stars

bittersweet food

Neutral enviroments and responses

Does everything has to be either Black or White?

I like grey, i like the shadows, the in betweens...

i dont enjoy the beginnins nor the ends...i like the essence, i remember the middle parts,

I live for medium temperatures, for hills, nor sea or mountains, just plain ol'hills,

I dont like the extremes, and i refuse to follow the crowd,

you r either cool or you are a nerd,

you r either a hippie or a smug,

im neither... im me.. and i accept it..and if ppl dont accept it...i couldnt care less.....

sin comparacion

2009-03-30T13:45:00.000-07:00

Te veo, tan bueno, tan tierno, tan puro
Tan diferente, tan estable, tan seguro,
me brindas un mundo al que no pedi nunca entrar,
me envuelves en tus abrazos infinitos y sin malicia,
pero yo...siendo yo....
me escurro, como se escurre la arena en el reloj,
me dejo abrazar, pero no estoy ahi,
te resiento, porque quieres que te quiera...pero no tengo amor para darte...a ti...
tu eres la razon de mi salida, de mi recuperacion, de mi olvido
pero al mismo tiempo, eres su recuerdo, su antitesis, su reflejo, en este mundo paralelo
...y no es su culpa, pero te use.
necesitaba alguien diferente a el, pero eso es lo unico que me ata a ti...que eres su opuesto....

y hay otro...si...con el no pienso en nada mas, con el todo va suave,
por el me rio, con el brillo, el...
es mi esencia...mi contraparte...mi Clyde en esta historia de historietas tan mia,
no hay diferencias, no hay momentos de silencio,
tan solo paz, y una union increible..
Nadie , pero a la vez todos, se imaginaban que esta historia iba a acabar asi,
yo por mi lado, tu por el tuyo, y el agarrado de mi, sin soltarme...

Y quisiera haberme enamorado de ti, pero no me arrepiento haber caido con el....
porque con el, 9 anios de historia se van al basurero, no son nada,
contigo, por mas que quiera no lo logro...no logro quererte como lo necesitas, como lo deseas,
no logro mirarte y dejar de preguntarme que me pasa? no lo logro....es asi ......

tengo mil mariposas en mi estomago...y no son tuyas... son de el...el que con tan solo mirarme, me hace llegar a la gloria,
el, la primera persona en 9 anios, a la que quiero besar en medio de la gente,
el, con quien me siento segura de que aunque no sea para siempre, mientras dure, no faltara una sonrisa en mi cara.....
el... no es lo que buscaba para olvidarme....a el lo encontre para volver a vivir....
y tu....ya sabras....tu mision se ha cumplido.... me haz hecho revivir....pero mi felicidad no es la tuya...y ya basta de jugar al teatro....sigue tu camino, te mereces ser feliz, con alguien...que al verte...tenga mariposas, quiera gritar que eres suyo....y que con tan solo mencionarte...le brillen los ojos....

the ideal couple..The impossible couple, honestly...no couple at all.

2009-03-30T13:39:00.001-07:00

It is too late. You wanted me to wait, but is useless to wait for the impossible. I can not save you from where you are, i can not pull you away from that life without me

no te enganies...que me fui

2009-03-21T10:51:00.000-07:00

cambia mis labios fieles, por otros que encuentres
quitate mi sudor de tu piel blanca
agarrate bien fuerte al caerte, cuentan por ahi que el suelo es bien duro
borrame de tu existencia,
yo me fui,
a darle mis labios fieles,
mi sudor,
y mis esfuerzos para evitar la caida,
al que a mi lado , ademas de su abrazo, me pone el corazon.
____________________________________________________________

un dia, un mes, unos anios,
vivi para ti, respire por ti,
hoy me levanto y no te pienso,
hoy camino por las calles y no me preocupo verte,
hoy puedo decir que soy yo por primera vez en tanto tiempo,
todo porque
ayer hablamos,
y me di cuenta que...
no me haces falta,
no aportas nada en mi vida, y que fui
del odio a la total indiferencia...
estas bien?me da igual
estas mal?me da lo mismo
hablas con quien? y a mi que me importa?
el vaso se rompio, ex amante mio..el vaso se rompio hace mucho
pero la diferencia es que esta vez...las tiendas ya no tienen coqui.....

cuando menos lo esperas,quien menos esperas,cambia tu dia y te da una nueva perspectiva

2009-03-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

El sabado, por cosas de la vida,despues de una fiesta,la unica persona que me podia traer a casa era un ex(no,no la pesadilla),y bueno, eran las 5am,y no habia otro ride asi que me fui con el..casi llegabamos a casa cuando de repente el me pidio perdon..y yo: oh!!! Perdon xq? Ya eso paso! El me explico que se habia dado cuenta lo mucho que me fallo y que queria que yo estuviera clara que el en verdad lo sentia,ke no era ke keria volver conmigo,solo ke lo perdonara... Y me sonrei..pq hace mucho lo perdone, la cosa no fue tan grave y yo no estaba enamorada de el...pero me sonrei..pq me di cuenta de que cuando uno no hace danio en esta vida,las personas se dan cuenta..me sonrei pq me di cuenta que las personas normales si piden perdon,si tratan de enmendar sus errores..me sonrei pq me di cuenta que no todos los hombres son iguales...y entre sonrisa y sonrisa, me di cuenta que mi pesadilla jamas dira esas palabras,jamas se arrepentira de hacerme tanto danio, cuando realmente el es el unico que debe pedirme perdon..pero no me importo..el que vivira con eso es el, yo deje ir todo ya,ya mi vida ha tomado otro rumbo y las puertas que habia dejado abierta..se estan cerrando...

It has taken a lot of time...but I'm getting stronger every day ;)

please....i ve given up...would you give up 2?

2009-03-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

Se que lees esto, por favor, entiendeme.... S.U.E.L.T.A.M.E.

nueve anios juntos, separados y revueltos,

nueve anios de lagrimas, y de pocos momentos felices,

nueve anios malgastados amando a la persona equivocada...

nunca pensaste que yo, out of all people, would give up on you..right?

pues si...estoy cansada, harta y aburrida de tus juegos,

de tus avances, de tus retrasos, de tus ganas de hacer danio....

yo cuando pienso en ti, pienso que eres lo peor que me ha pasado en esta vida...

que piensas cuando me piensas? acaso sabes lo que es pensar? lo que es sentir?

dijiste un dia que yo era lo mejor que te habia pasado...entonces cual era la necesidad de hacerme tanto danio??

y es que no te alcanzaron esos 9 anios?quieres mas?

por favor, ya no es con rabia, ya no es con odio, simplemente por cansancio....

vete, alejate, de mi, de mis amigas, de mis lugares favoritos, no te acerques,

no trates de acercarte, te lo imploro....pudiste hacerlo cuando habia tiempo...

mas no lo hiciste...

yo estoy feliz, en mi vida ha entrado una persona que es el opuesto a ti,

me ha ensenado cosas y sentimientos que no creia posibles ver en un hombre,

estoy aprendiendo a confiar, a sentirme tranquila, a sentirme querida.....

El es lo mejor que me pudo pasar en la vida, el es la persona que yo tanto busque,

que busque en ti...pero donde DIos no puso no podra haber....

y me llego un 14 de febrero, sin yo pensar, sin yo querer enamorarme.....

asi que por favor...te lo pido otra vez....dejame vivir, pq si no me pudiste hacerme feliz,

te pido que me dejes ser feliz sin tu sombra persiguiendo mis pasos....sin tus ironias, y sin tu decirme que me extranias....

Que diablos extranas de mi??? NO TENIAMOS NADA, ni amistad, ni amor, ni nada, ahora es que me doy cuenta de eso.... yo amiga tuya?? pero de por Dios! si me hubieras querido siquiera, no habrias hecho el 90% de las cosas que hiciste.....

amor? por mi? por favor....por favor....vete, olvidate que yo alguna vez cruce en tu camino, borrame con delete, no quiero saber de ti..... por favor....te lo pido por ultima vez.....LET ME GO.... cause u let go the moment you got me.....

Disney wasnt wrong after all...

2009-03-09T21:00:00.000-07:00

Like Alanis sang, im Head Over Heels,I walk around with a silly smile and i dont get mad anymore,I see him and I start to believe in the fairy tale, the real one,the one that Disney sold me, 21 years ago, while i was glued to the tv, every friday night, on RAI1, and the princess would find her prince charming, and her life would change.... Later Hollywood sold me the happy ending, where the guy would just come out of nowhere and sweep her off her feet, just when she had given up on love...
And now...just when i had given up on all hope, when i had believed that happiness, love, and understanding werent part of my script, when i had stopped watching chick flicks and reading chick lit.... he came along...and with persuasion he has swept me off my feet...he has showed me a new side, a new hope, a new world...And the pessimist in me believes that this is not going to last for long...but my positive side shushes it and tells me to keep dreaming, keep enjoying this feeling..and he might turn out to be a jerk, but i know he cant be like the jerkest of all...i already had that in my life....no, he is just like good....a good person, an open, honest, not mind game person, the one who doesnt have to wait to call, who is not afraid to fall.... and i like it..is a first for me...to have everything said to me...to not wait by the phone, to not being played on....
so there is hope, there is someone out there for everyone...i think i have found mine...well he found me...apparently the first day he saw me, he had made up his mind...uhy.....im so so so happy :)

and the ex? a distant memory...that sometimes comes back to hunt me...but i dont pay attention to it...i coudlnt care less about his whereabouts...in fact....although i hate him...i might start to wish him well pretty soon....cause if he hadnt done what he did, i would still be hanging out waiting for him..iw ouldnt be here, happy and almost...just almost...inlove.

a word can make all the difference

2009-03-05T11:49:00.001-08:00

Sorry, thats the only word i wanted and needed to hear from you,

sadly thats the only word you couldnt and wouldnt say,

As days go by, i realize i can not wish you harm,

but i can not wish you well either,

Its sad cause what was my best memory, turned out to be the worst

and i wish i can delete you, delete our past, and forget that one day i even met you....

I will never forget and forgive you, for making me feeling Hate,

and thats what i feel for you,

and its true, u can only hate whom u have really loved....

Fanny Lu. Que no eres para mi

2009-02-11T09:40:00.001-08:00

Que me dice que me quiere, que vivir sin mí no puede Que le agobian los momentos en que no estoy junto a él, que siempre me había esperado Que era quien había soñado, la que su mama quería pa’que fuera su mujer.Que mis ojos son estrellas, que mi risa es la más bella Que todos mis atributos son perfectos para el Que si fuera un retratista, que si fuera un buen artista yo sería su Monalisa y hasta un tango de Gardel, Y eso no lo trago YO.Quiero que tú sepas que no eres para mí, Siempre supe pero no hice caso, Que ni se te ocurra aparecer por aquí,Con tus enredos y cuentos baratos Quiero que tú sepas que yo no soy para tiQue ni se me ocurra estar de nuevo junto a ti Mi corazón no aguanta más fracasos...Que me promete la luna Que yo soy como ninguna Que parezco una doncella de esas que hay que protegerQue sus vicios ha dejado Que su sueldo le ha aumentado Que me promete la vida que yo siento merecer Y eso no lo trago yo...Que no me convenías, que eras mi destrucción Y siempre yo tratando de dejarte Tu día ya llego.

Ya me cansé.

2009-02-09T09:00:00.000-08:00

Asi fue como yo veía lo nuestro,
Yo mirando hacia el norte, tu al sur,
yo queriéndote amar, tu amando tu libertad
yo buscando, tu escapando,
yo llorando, tu impasible...
Y ahora, cuando yo,
empiezo a vivir mi vida, dia tras dia,
cuando me levanto sin pensar en ti,
cuando al fin encuentro a alguien con quien reir,
cuando me doy cuenta que la vida a tu lado no era tan perfecta.....
Tu decides hablar,
Hablar del amor que sientes por mi,
de la importancia que le das a mi vida,
de todo lo feliz que fuiste a mi lado,
de lo mucho que sientes haberme herido...
Pero eres tu...y al final de todo eso...me dices...ADIOS......
Yo ya no soy la de antes,
yo ya no lloro por ti,
estos ojos ya no aguantan más...
te di mi vida, no pudiste aprovecharla...
y pa que me dices todo eso ahora, para despues decirme Adios...
este circulo vicioso se cerró...para siempre....
no eres lo que esperaba, y jamás lo serás.
Yo seguire persiguiendo sueños, y te digo algo??
SE QUE SERË MAS FELIZ

its happening

2009-02-01T15:33:00.000-08:00

a blur of emotions...a bunch of opportunities...am i getting wiser or what is it happening to me? i am at ease, i have been on dates, i have met wonderful people...most importantly....i have learned to laugh..to smile...and not to think of you....

uhmm..when all is said and done...whats left?

2009-01-07T09:03:00.000-08:00

turns out K was dead right, and my fear was well founded.... X did just what he is good at, hurt me and leave me out in the cold, with no explanation, with nothing, just he is hurtful words, his coldness and he left behind, not a broken, but a shattered heart...confusion, tears, and he left me without energies....now i can see what K was talkin about the other day...this it is...this is how i use to feel....

as clear as the water from the mountains...i can see , he isnot fdor me, and i am not for him.... i am the worst copy of myself when im with him, and he doesnt bring my best side to shore...his negativity, his constant complaining....thats it....

and as i reemerge from the darkest hours and holidays of my life...i have a fewe moments a day of complete sanity and i am ok..... of course, still lingers the need to wanting to know, why? why me? why again? but then the answer i guess we all know....CAUSE I BLOODY WANTED IT..... i looked for trouble and trouble came to me....

i have a thousand and more questions for him, but i will never ask, i will never look for the answer...im tired..im exhausted...all my energies have been taken away... its time to hit teraphy again......

hope u all had a great xmas and new years.....

ahh.....after all is said and done....there is NOTHING left.....

to change...

2008-12-22T19:10:00.000-08:00

im scared, scared that you will wake up one day and leave...leave without notice, without an excuse, just leave.... and leave me here...once again... i dont want that to happen....and i can see you are changing, i can see every little thing you do to make me feel better, and to show me you are in this, that we are in this together....but the fear is there...it can only leave with time....
i wish everyday would be like the day i saw in your eyes no fear to love me back....and to give yourself the chance to be happy..... your past is your past...our past is our past...and it should stay there....i dont want to talk about it anymore, i dont want to think about it anymore.... what is done is done....looking towards what may come is the only thing we have left.....so please....let go...let me catch you....when will you understand that i will not be going anywhere? and dont be afraid...i dont depend on you, i can live on my own....i just dont want to

uhmm...maybe i am wrong

2008-12-10T14:34:00.000-08:00

Last night, at dinner, i put on my brave face and told her the news...her face was stone cold..she didnt express an emotion...she just put down her fork, looked straight to my eyes and said: please tell me you are fucking joking me....i will not discuss this with u, i live too far away to hold your hands and your tears when he brakes your heart...once again.... M, please...please...dont do it to yourself....why? why would u even consider it?
i didnt know what to reply...i was looking back at her....i dunno maybe i hoped she would tell me that if i loved him, then good luck....but she was determined to not let me say those words...she stared at me....i stared back..... and at that point i rewinded my mind, and thought, that my girls all have the same opinion....so maybe i am the one who is in the wrong side..... i had to ask her...the others wouldnt know as much as she knows, she is, after all, my mirror and my history book (i have a very very light memory, i forget everything)....and i asked her: was it that BAD???? cause i cant seem to recall...amen, i know i had cried and i was hurt..but did i really went through hell and back?
She said: it was horrible....those were the worst months of your life, it was constant tears, constant fighting, never sure of what you had, your smile was random...and u know how i hated yr 1st bf, but with him, you were happy while it lasted, you only got hurt at the end.....with X....oh boy..... i dont want you to go back that road.....M, you have so much in you, give it to someone else....someone who wouldnt play u......

and that was it. Case closed...K didnt want to talk about it anymore, she just pleaded me to give up and move on, to just be me, to forget the love , if there ever was any (her words not mine).....

and i think to myself...did he actually played me? is my memory so thin that i dont recall that hell?i know i was upset and didnt know how to get to him, but..... was it that BAD

but...i trust him....is this fucked up? have i reached the maximum level of insanity? why do i keep holding on to him, do i really feel i can make him happy? wouldnt i lose my happiness if i follow that road? was Dj right? was i already emotionally damaged when he loved me? is X the cause of my damage? what the hell is going on? do i love him or do i just want to prove a point?

i think i am falling in love, and i know i am not making a mistake...my family is all right with it.....shouldnt K be alright with it as well.....?????

uffff

would you for once look at me back?

2008-11-18T17:43:00.000-08:00

before u read this i may clarify that i am not schizophrenic, nor i suffer from illusion....i just type this blog as it comes...feelings reemerge when ppl of my past appear out of nowhere and i feel like expressing myself....

One last drop...

you and i clash...just like a thunderstorm.... u do this, i do that and one of us, or both will end up hurt...we wont win this game...so, lets call it quits...allright? lets just be....whatever we are meant to be....friends we are not.... maybe efriends.... and nothing is wrong with u, is just that like me, u are afraid of commitment....u dont want to be tied down, and when i make a move u run, when u make a move, i am already 500 km away from u... we dont ve the right timing nor the right place...maybe i dont even have the heart to endure u another time.....maybe...just maybe....

y0u have grown up....and u r great as a person....just not great for me.....and i am not good for u...trust me on this one...i ll give u a headache every single day of your life... but i want to see you happy...more than anything...cause in a perversed, twisted way, i love you, i care for you and i just want to hug u till u cant breath again.... (so i ll prevent u from opening that stupid mouth of yours!)

so...the last drop just let the tap and filled the glass.... now i look at u...would u, for once look at me back?

when did i ever do the most sensible thing?

2008-11-17T17:39:00.000-08:00

it has been over a year already....and you are right, my life is a mess without u... nothing seems to fit anywhere, and im like a ghost, living day to day, waiting for it to end...just to get some sleep and find a kind of peace...which i hardly find...

i miss you, i miss being part of something worthwhile... of waking up and find myself trapped by your arms....i miss your burps, my cooking..my laughs and smiles....most of all i miss feeling whole...

and i know you are right.I definetly know i am wrong...very..very...extremely wrong..and i know going back to you would make my life better and hopefully i would find happiness again...and that such decision would be the most reasonable thing to do...but babe...you know me extremely well.. when did i ever do the most sensible thing? NEVER

i tend to go against the flow...i tend to find new ways of hurting myself and putting myself down...somehow i believe happiness wasnt meant to last for me...

and maybe is just normal to feel like i miss you....i did gave you my all and i did share my life with you for far too long....

so please, try and forget me, cause aint good for you and i cant be your friend.....

i will always love you...cause u ll be forever the keeper of my heart.

that sadness

2008-11-03T14:26:00.000-08:00

there is sadness in your eyes, and it bugs me...but now, unlike years ago, i know there is nothing i can do about it...i can only be here, on the side, giving you my hand, my shoulder, anything you need to just support yourself.... i ve always wanted to see the day where happiness woudl irradiate from you..lately i ve lost hope to one day see that..but im here for you...i ve always be, always will... i love you and it pains me to see you like this...there is no hope back there, is it? hun, there is hope, you will see....it might take years and years...but one day u ll rise....and even if you wont want it, i ll be there...like a shadow...always ready to catch you....just dont force yourself, and trust my strenght...i can catch you

what if?

2008-10-28T16:56:00.000-07:00

Dear M.A., if I had married you…. Our wedding would have been in a catholic church, situated in a beach. barefoot and with the sun going down…that would have been the day where I would have met your friends and family… we would have 2 children by now, I would be an architect and you would be a copywriter, we would be living in a nice house, with dogs….our married life prior the children would have consisted in drugs, fights and movies. Our life after the children would have probable been silence and movies…fighting would never be an option, neither would be divorce… I would be living my life as a shadow of yours, always in the back row… adoring you, loving every bit of your existence but at the same time wondering what could have been if you had let me go….I would be driving a prius and you would be 2…our children would go to the most expensive school in the city and our Sundays would be spent in the Country Club…holidays? Orlando for summer and your country house for winter times…

Dear A.M, if I had married you… I would be living in Kent, in a manor house, a one with a name, not a number…you would have converted to Catholicism, and we would have had 3 weddings…one in the UK, one in Italy and one in Dr… just to keep all of our friends happy…we would have lost the bet!!! In addition, you would have had to pay the tickets and hotel stay for our friends…and I wouldn’t stop nagging about it I would be your princess in your great castle… we would have 2 children, a boy and a girl. send them to private pre-schools and travel every few months for holidays to the Caribbean, to mainland Europe and we would never go to the USA…I would be a marketing executive by paper, but I would have stayed at home to raise our children…you would be a big shot lawyer in the city, commuting every day…. Although you will still drive, a Mercedes (the latest in the market).....

Our common friends would always have a place in our house… we would have been supportive of each other’s and happy….

those are the two ifs..... my two big loves.....

walk out on me once...is yr fault....twice is mine....

2008-10-26T17:13:00.000-07:00

how is it that i feel less alone when i am surrounded by strange people? when im all physically alone in a foreign country? where none knows me??? this i cant understand.... find me in a room filled with the people i love and ask me how i feel and my answer will be: lonely....ask me in a room filled with strnage people....and i ll say: whole....

leaving the country for the weekend made me some real good.... i had time to think...to relax...and to see my world from another point of view...the day before i left...well the night...i went out and had a weird night out...there were enourmous amounts of Grey Goose involved, plus great music and friends... but someone just appeared at the place...and i wasnt expecint go see him anymore... i left confused...not knowing what to do..... should i have a chat with him,? tell him that things will have to go my way this time or is better to forget them? or should i just lock into my old self an dblock him out of my life??? i didnt know the answer b4 i left...now im going back with a clear mind and concience....im definetly not going to talk to him....i ll close it without him even noticing..just like he did to me last time we were together...he disappeared without givin me 2 weeks notice...and he crushed my world.... now is my turn, i deserve much better than him...yes...it is probable i will not find another who will give me so much calmness....yes....im probably not going to find the guy to whom i dont feel like figthing cause we just understand eachothers.....but i can live with that...in fact i look foward to a life of fighting and headaches...but knowing that that person will not leave me out in the cold without telling me b4 hand....

i do.... all these is worth it as long as i dont have to go through the hell he put me through the first time he decided to walk out on me......

poem of 2004

2008-10-19T22:01:00.000-07:00

look at me now
I'm not the girl you used to know
I've been through difficulties
and learned to not let my emotions show.

I've experienced heartbreak
and I've fell in love
I've taken to drinking
and I've partied in the clubs.

I've had one night stands
held so many tears back
and watched my life stray off course.

Watched a baby being born
said my first "I love you"
thrown hotel parties
and did whatever I said I'd do.

All these things I've done
since the time you said goodbye
I was just so young
and I do admit that I did cry.

But now I'm all grown up
Three years have passed me by
I see more clearly now
because innocence made me blind.

And that girl you used to know
is no longer in me
Maybe if you hadn't let her go
this isn't the way things would be.

pitch black

2008-10-17T05:23:00.000-07:00

everything is pitch black... cant seem to find the bloody light...is 3 yrs that i can find the north...im just passing the days...and i want so bad to live again...to smile without pretending...to have joy....

15 yrs of friendship.... ILY

2008-10-15T19:55:00.000-07:00

Cuando nadie estaba ahí para mi, y pensé que a nadie le importaba. Cuando todo el mundo me dio la espalda, y pensé estar sola…Tú estabas ahí

Cuando la persona que más confiaba en esta vida, me engaño… Tú me abrazaste

Cuando mi mundo rosado se cayó a pedazos…Tú llegaste sin llamarte.

Cuando todo lo que necesitaba era una amiga, que me escuchara, que recogiera mis lágrimas...tú me las secaste.

Cuando mi corazón me dolía tanto, que no podía ya respirar...Cuando lo único que quería hacer era acostarme y morir...tú me levantaste...

Pero tambien....

Cuando me enamoré por primera/2da y tercera vez.... Tú te alegraste

Cuando me aceptaron en la Universidad...Tú abriste el sobre conmigo

Cuando mi hermana vino al mundo...Tú estabas a mi lado para recibirla

Cuando me di mi primera borrachera...Tú te emborrachaste conmigo

Así que no lo dudes, aun después de tantos años, tantas distancias, estamos unidas…y algún día seremos nosotras las de la foto…

eight years....fly...

2008-10-12T07:20:00.000-07:00

eight years ago..to the date i was a simple teenage girl...who couldnt wait to leave the island, i already had my placement in university, and i thought i had my life all figured out, i had wanted that place for so long, that getting it was a miracle (i was just a girl from a spanish school and since all the ppl from the english schools had already bein rejected, i honestly thought i didnt have a chance)(silly me) , and then one day, in october 2000 i realized i was inlove..in a way i had never been, i was floating in air, i was glowing inside and out, and the object of my affection seemed to love me too....and i blurted out, i told him i loved him....i think he got shocked, but i was naive, and wasnt afraid to show what was really going inside of me.....

and i miss my old self...the happiness i saw in everything, the lack of irony and cinicism, the feel of vulnerability, of not being afraid of showing it...of believing that that was it.... my first love....

and now i find myself distrusting everyone around... thinking what are they after and im missing the best of life.... i would love to be a little less careless and see the world in the same pink colour my parents painted it for me...im going to work on that.....

the past should stay there...in the past

2008-10-02T19:51:00.001-07:00

i wasnt expecting in him ever ever contacting me again... he called to see how i was doing..and he opened a can of worms...yes, cause i was FINE living without him, i was doing just OK...he added me to his FB and i accepted it...we chatted on gmail... why did i accept? i dont know...maybe cause i was curious about his whereabouts...how life was treating him....

Leaving him, breaking off the relationship wasnt easy, it took me time and courage to break it off... i almost believe it was like a divorce..,.or worse....when you share your life with someone for so long, the moment you call it quits a bit of you ends right there and then, and you ll never get it back...if you have been in my situation u ll understand...if you havent...well.... u r warned!

i always knew i would ve never had left him if i stayed in the UK , but i was here and he was there...2 years i could handle...but more...i couldnt... and i was aware of the two of us who loved more was him..he adored me, the floor i touched was magic for him...although he did expect my decision, he didnt accept it...

and all this while, that i ve been in the island, i ve been dating, and lately crushing...but things really never go anywhere...i had a theory you see? i had a theory that he still hold on to me..he hadnt let me go and that love , that energy was giving me bad luck and preventing from go to dating casually to proper dating.... and also that i was greiving in my own silent way, putting a shell...but more of it was that his energy was affecting me..aa.

and today i proved, well he proved to me that my theory was just right... he still holds on to me...he doesnt learn to let it go...he looked at my FB photos and this is what he said , and i quote :" see a picture with u and some fucking guy and then i start getting ulcer pains cos i wanna slap the mother fucker for smiling in a picture with the most imporant thing in my life"........me....speechless.... i didnt know how to react to that statement...im the most important thing in his life...and i told him to let me go, to just accept out fate...but i dont think it will go until he wants to let go....

and is hurting me to know that he is hurting... it really is... i might come out as cold hearted, but i loved him...i shared so much with him...he was a part of my life but i guess i was his life.......

i pray that he forgets me...cause aint worthed of his love...i ve issues...i ve other things in my life and i feel i really him to release me from this......

crushing like a teen

2008-10-01T20:13:00.001-07:00

i have a crush...a crush who sits beside me @ school, a crush that was a friend until he decided to kiss me...a crush that doesnt know he is my crush.... in fact, he believes he is so out of my league that there is no place for him in my life...he believe i love someone else....and do i say anything? no...i keep playing this game..of subtle looks...of hands sharing the same space and sometimes touching...and when he touches me...butterflies and all are all over my body.... and im happy... for 4 hours a day im happy...cause i had not felt like this in ages, cause the anticipation, the wisper, the chats that we share.. we are like partners in crime..we are crushing on eachother....i can feel it...i can see it.... and it will stay that way...cause maybe he is right to believe what he believes...and maybe im just entertaining myself ....

but im crushing..... hehehehehhe...... i dont think its advisible for me to drink on friday night..i dont think i lll be able to hold this crush when mixed with vodka and cramberry...and his eyes on me...uhmmmmmm

well ppl, just in case you didnt notice..i feel like a teenage girl..and...ITS AWSOME!!!!!

Meme

2008-10-01T10:50:00.000-07:00

Si fuera palabra: Nostalgia
Si fuera número: 5
Si fuera bebida: Mies
Si fuera animal: Ave
Si fuera pájaro: Águila
Si fuera algo de la casa: Televisor
Si fuera una zona del cuerpo: Ojos
Si fuera una obra de arte: Monalisa
Si fuera flor: Trinitaria
Si fuera dibujo animado: Madrina de Padrinos Magicos
Si fuera una película: When Harry Met Sally
Si fuera una fruta: Melon
Si fuera un recuerdo: Un atardecer en la playa
Si fuera color sería: Fucsia
Si fuera un sentimiento sería: Amor
Si fuera un sentido: Vista
Si fuera un partido político o un político sería: Independiente
Si fuera una fecha sería: ...
Si fuera un juego infantil: 1,2,3 Stella!
Si fuera un planeta sería: Marte
Si fuera algo del baño sería: Lozas
Si fuera un instrumento musical sería: Guitarra
Si fuera una figura geométrica sería: Circulo
Si fuera un idioma sería: Esperanto
Si fuera uno de los 7 pecados capitales sería: Vanidad
Si fuera un día de la semana: Miercoles
Si fuera una prenda de vestir: Vestido de verano
Si fuera un país: Inglaterra
Si fuera una comida: Helado
Si fuera una frase sería: “A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left. "

that third kiss

2008-09-29T19:54:00.000-07:00

he kissed me once out of nowhere, i didnt expected it, not from him...he was my friend.... he kissed me twice... again i didnt expected it...and this time i told him i was in love with someone...he kissed me the third time, out of nowhere and something changed inside of me....i kissed him back....but not wholly as i should ve...i had spent the whole night thinkin about the otherone... and after the third kiss, the talk that said i couldnt go out with them anymore cause he constantly wanted to kiss me and had to held back cause i had someone in my life.... and after the look...that look i cant forget and that look that prevented me today to look at him, cause i was scared to see what i saw the other night.... and that third kiss, when he said how lucky the guy is....me not saying anything, me not telling him that me and the other are no longer together, that i have shut him out...that i cant carry with that relationship... why didnt i say anything? why did i let him believe i was with someone else? i honestly dont know...

all i know is that he didnt ve me at hello...he had me at his third kiss.....

but the third kiss brought awkwardness between us.... i cant be in the same room as him by myself, i cant talk to him and look into his eyes, he cant either... he kissedc me today , in my cheek, a kiss that almost left me a bruise, but he came from behind and i didnt notice his arrival...

now i look at the sky and ask why? why him? why now? why not before.. why do i ve this urge to kiss him in front of a crowd, like a teenage girl.. and at the same time i still feel i do have some deep feelings for the other (love? nah..)

anyway, enough with my kisses.... i heard this song yesterday and i felt it was me singing it...to him (not the third kiss, the other) ENJOY!

I BRUISE EASILY

My skin is like a map, of where my heart has been
And I can't hide the marks, but it's not a negative thing
So I let down my guard, drop my defences, down by my clothes
I'm learning to fall, with no safety net, to cushion the blow

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart, carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath I bruise easily, I bruise easily

I've found your finger prints on a glass of wine
Do you know you're leaving them all over this heart of mine too
But if I never take this leap of faith I'll never know
So I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath I bruise easily, I bruise easily

Anyone who, can touch you, can hurt you, or heal you
Anyone who, can reach you, can love you, or leave you

So be gentle
So be gentle
So be gentle
So be gentle

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart, carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath I bruise easily,

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart, carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath I bruise easily, I bruise easily

I bruise easily
I bruise easily

to you

2008-09-19T19:30:00.000-07:00

I ve my own demons to chase,

Cant follow you,

Cant help you....

be careful what you wish for

2008-09-16T06:52:00.000-07:00

maybe we dont have the right timing...or maybe is that i have lost my ability to fall inlove...all i know is that you asked...and i just stared right back at you...i wasnt expectng it..not from you, not now...im scared i do not how to leap...i ve lost the ability to do so, without looking 100 times before, to check...im not the same..i dont believe in it anymore...too much water has passed under the bridge... yet as i feel like running a 1000 miles an hour from you, you take my hand and a sense of calmness...of happiness....takes over me...weird.....

The chain has been broken

2008-09-10T18:23:00.000-07:00

How sad it it that you wake up a day to late? Do you now understand the power of one phonecall? It took me a long road, a harder heart, and too many things to mention now..but it broke, the chain finally broke and i am free... your double meanings, your uncertainities, you lack of decision, have decided your own fate..at least your fate with me. You disappointed me so many times before, and i kept on hoping, that one day you would wake up...and you did, but a day too late.... Now i do not want your name on my phone screen, nor my msn,gmail,or facebook...I put you in a box, the one i never reopen, never check, the one that is sent to the oblivion of my past mistakes...Maybe i didnt tell you this time around, but i did in the past, i told you many times, the moment i ll leave you, when i will really leave you, you will not know it, you will not forsee it, it will just come. You will wake up and you will not know what the heck hit you.... I told you , you didnt pay attention to me, cause i know im a softy, romanitc and i believe in love, in true love, but i dont believe it has to be a one way road, its 2, and honey, i have stopped waiting for you to come towards me....

I am free, completely and utterly free...

magic times

2008-09-10T07:22:00.000-07:00

Two friends, walking through the old streets of Rome, getting into everysingle alley, talking about life, their dreams, their past, how much good University was, and afraid of what the future might hold...two ppl, a man and a woman, eating lunch in some fancy place, made for turists in the middle of Piazza Navona, laughing at themselves, wondering what on earth are they eating with turists..they are italians! They look at stores, but dont buy anything, they talk about books, they decide to eat ice cream in the spanish steps... even though the weather is not so good...and then the sun starts to set in... slowly but surely..the colors in the magic city change, everything looks so beautiful. They walk to the Villa D'este, and watch the sky and what to they see? a Hot air balloon...and they look at eachother and start running towards it, they want to ride in it!! when they arrive, with no breath (cause they are both smokers), they find out it has just closed..is getting late...and the guy says: well another day, the girl: do u think there will be another time?

And they walk back to the spanish steps, the lights are turning up, the cold weather gets chillier and chillier, he takes her to the subway and hugs her goodbye, and says: i had a wonderful time, i wish we wouldnt be moving so far away from eachother.....and they both felt it..after 3 years of platonic friendship, after an inmense amount of alcohol consumed together, sleepovers in the sofas, study marathons, picnic in Vicky park..that moment, the moment they are going to say goodbye (maybe forever), they realize , they wish, they had gone further in their friendship, but there is no time anymore.... one goes south, the other goes across the pond...there is a promise to see eachoter again, maybe he will take his boat to the caribbean..but thats just promises....and that was long ago... and everytime i see a hot air balloon, in the internet, i think of that moment..i was the girl, and we didnt see eachother anymore...we have drift apart, eachone in its own world...where are u my dear friend and how is life treating you?

rain rain and more rain!!!!

2008-09-09T08:08:00.000-07:00

Im tired of the rain! Enough! and is not cause the streets look like rivers (although not as much as few years back), and not cause the sun i miss, i hate the rain cause is HOT, amen, HOT RAIN! I want cold weather, cold rain, the whole deal, this hot, rain only makes it worse.....

but my post is not going to be about the horrible weather we are having this summer...

my best friend is broken hearted, and im not there with her...and i wish i was, just comfort her, cause she did make the best decision, but i know is though...after 3 years of living together, after purchasing a house, after all the upside downs she called it quits. She stopped loving him and left. I admire her for that, cause i would have never had the guts to do something like that...amen, i 2 lived with my ex 4 a year, but then we had 2 years of long distance relationship (a bummer), but it was so HARD for me to break up...the feeling was not the same, but we had shared so much, our lives had become entwined, and i was SCARED to put myself out there, to start anew, to change my dreams and goals that i had share with him for four years in total...and after so much thinking i did it...it was awful, waking up and realizing all the sacrifices i had made i felt i had threw it down the drain.. it was hard cause i 2, like my friend now, i was alone, amen, i had my family and my friends from DR, but i didnt have my REAL friends, the ones that really count..they were all oever the world UK, Spain, SIngapore, ITaly and USA...

And after 12 months of have completely cut him out of my life...sometimes i do wonder if i made a mistake, but then i realize, it had to be done.... and i have survived that, and with some scars, and some extra baggage, but after 12 months i do think i am where i never expected to be... at peace with myself and getting rid of all the past.....

I cant run anymore

2008-08-27T10:07:00.000-07:00

Maybe its me, maybe I have changed,
But I no longer find it in me the need to save you,
To save you from yourself, and from what you will become.
Here I am, I would give you this world and the other, and yet
You do not take it,
You run, and at my age, I am done with running,
I vowed I wouldn’t run, after you,
And funny enough I understand you now , more than ever,
Cause im the one who has run away, for far too long,
And didn’t let him catch me, just like you are doing it to me.
I didn’t let him help me, when all he wanted was recue me,
I left, and never looked back.
Do I regret it? Yes, when specimens like you come to my life, I regret it,
I regret, that I run, I regret not looking back, I reget getting on that plane three years ago.
Cause I was safe. The world was handed to me and I rejected it.
But I blame me, not the world, not him for pushing too hard, not anyone, but me.
And I find myself drawn to people just like me
With emotional voids inside of them
With pain not visible to the human eye, and I try to save them,
But im running out of patience, I don’t ve it in me anymore
There is so much pain a person can endure,
And I have come to the maximum.

So feel free to run as fast as you want, I will not chase after you,
As I said it before, I don’t ve it in me anymore…..

DEL

2008-08-25T06:57:00.000-07:00

"I can be good, real good at deleting people from my memory/heart"

against the flow

2008-08-06T19:37:00.000-07:00

I have this feeling, im a different person, 8 years, 2 serious relationships could just suppress the feeling, but did not delete it...

Is it love? is it lust? is it just remembering a past where i was happy? but then again, is not like ourt past was a walk in the park, in fact our relationship was more of a wild rollercoaster ride, with way too many bumps, still, even though i was with someone else, living with that person, waking up by his side and being super happy, he was always there, like a shadow, like a memory i could not delete completely....

You hear all this stories, of ppl who get together after years and years, and it looks like a fairytale, i dont believe in those, but now.... now i know we have both grown, i feel it, im way much chill out...and after all my experiences, i can only trust him more...is like..i dont know...is this love?????? is this what ppl experience?????

I trust him, too much...i believe what he says, i trust him not to betray me, i trust him not to hurt me on purpose...i TRUST someone..thats weird..pretty pretty weird.... and all i want to do is hug him, and wake up next to him day after day, and face the world together.....

But...how do i explain this feeling to the ppl that surround me? how do i explain he coming back to my life without causing a world war III?

this time i have all the time in the world, i will not rush , i ll savor every single moment, and when everything is settled..... i ll be ready to go, once again..against the flow......

Back to square 1

2008-08-04T09:38:00.000-07:00

Looking back, and searching for a clue, for a simple one that would help me determine the basis of all my problems, a clue that will show me where everything started going downhill..and looking back to ones life like a rollercoaster, if u really look, you understand your mistakes and the worst part is when u realize, that most of the time you didnt learn the lesson, and although now u do realize what the lesson was, you still can not absorb it..and u wonder why? am i so stupid, or is a matter of stubborness, or im just plain naive.... uhmmm

True to be told, circumstances do make you grow walls, almost impenetrable walls towards others, towards whatever tries to come in..but what happens when you realize that there was one person, one situation, one experience that make you selfaware of the damages that can come frm the outside world, that one person, who opened up your eyes, and made you aware, thought u how to not believe in everything you saw or heard..and with the help of that person you built it all up, up up up, with just a little window, so a little light could come in, but nothing more... and then you use this walls with everyone that came into your life... you spend first 2.5 yrs with one person, and the poor thing can not even climb the walls, although thinks he has, you just cant let them near your heart.... and then, another one makes the attempt... you do let him see a glimpse of whats goin on inside, he tries and tries to heal you, to make you back to the person you were before ... but no, you give him 2-3 yrs, and then is off... you cant bare the thought of putting all down and actually find yourself vulnerable again, complete emotionally available to another human being...but then, oh then......

what a disaster it is, when you realize that all those walls you ve put up, all those years that have passed you by, all the people that have come into your life and tried and tried to be there, tried to open you up...all of it was in vain.... in vain, cause now, you are standing in front of the same person that gave you such a valuable lesson, and..... just like that...all your walls come crashing down..like if 8 years had not passed you by.... like if everything was just a BAD BAD BAD nightmare....and you are back being who you were, you are back trusting... but you are trusting him...the person , the teacher.......the one person that you know, in your brain, that you should not let in again, but no matter how much you fight it.... you dont feel afraid, you feel.... COMPLETE......

But time has passed by, scars u didnt ve in your soul back then, are present now... and you do have some grey matter in your brain, that tells you to be careful....and you do not know what to do.... do you leap? knowing that you are surely going to get hurt? do you stay put? wondering all your life what would have happened if u had leapt????

I leap now... and all my 8 years would seem like a charade...a silly attempt to move on...just to go back where it all started... back to square 1......

enough

2008-07-23T12:35:00.000-07:00

i have given up utterly, completely in finding the other person. I came to the conclusion that some ppl are just not meant to find it, and that our soulmates are our friends... and im fine with that, im not upset or anything. i just stopped.

Enough.

Is not bad being single, im loving it, and i dont like seeing ppl breaking up only to confirm me that love is just as fragile as any crystal glass.... so instead of living inmy own fairytale world, waiting for prince charming, i ll no longer wait, i ll just live.

I guess i lost hope long time ago, but now is when i actually accept it... so thats it for me, had enough, cant handle anymore.

down down down

2008-07-03T08:57:00.000-07:00

My body is aching... my lungs are cleaning themselves, my mind has its goals straight...but my soul...my soul just would not catch up...

I find myself trapped, in a vicious cycle, the cycle of the day of im feeling great, im single and fabulous, the next day im single and fabulous but cant seem to understand whats wrong with me why cant i find a decent guy, and the day i feel like shit, like i ll be an old lady, alone...and the cycle keeps repeating itself...

I like being single, but i want to feel inlove 2.... ufffy...... not a good day 2day.... i ll blame it on the nicote withdrawls symptoms....

Today is the day when I decided 2 change

2008-06-30T06:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, today i woke up, with various determinations:

I will stop smoking
I will start again writing my book
I will start eating good food, no more junk food
I will start using my excercise machina
I will get back on my daily yoga routine
I will be positive
I will learn to smile again

Ok, maybe im setting myself a few too many goals... but is like the great sleeping weekend i had (sleep therapy, self induced, no drugs (i.e. Cataflam, Tylenol, etc.) nor alcohol included) , and i woke up new!

It is time i let go of the past, for good.... i need to pick myself up, decide where i want to go and what i want to do... Is time to look at this life like it is: momentaneous... doesnt last too long , so i gotta grab it and live it while i can....

I ve stopped smoking, in my own terms, because i keep having weird dreams that i ll die of cancer or stuff related..in the weekend the few cigarrettes i had i did not finish, cause this terrible feeling came to me, every time i had a drag, i would feel like i was punishing my body.... so... this mornign i started smoke free!!! i know i ll be cranky for a while, but eventually i ll b fine :)

Since June 2005 my life has been hell, literally...nothing went well... i changed cause all the fucked up things that happened, fucked me up (sorry for my french ppl).... and i think it is about time i let go of all the angriness i have, and all the bitterness my past brought me... i was a happy person, i had the perfect life.... and im glad for that, but i want it back, and none can rescue me from myself, none..but me...

life as i knew it

2008-06-26T10:38:00.000-07:00

The other day i watched again PS:I love you... and i was PMSing, so u can imagine the scene, me, the TV, loads of chocolates, popcorn and soda... and a pack of kleenex (which were not used)... i watched it, and got me thinkig... the moment i kissed TD for the first time i felt it , i felt my life was changing, that it wouldnt be the same again... i was in another dimension, i found something different and i knew i would be defying my society by loving him, i didnt care...at that moment...and i didnt care for the next 3 years.. the 4th (which was the 2nd in a long distance relationship)...that difference took a stoll on me..i begane to realize that it just wouldnt work, i had an amazing time with him, but i was a different person, and i was surprised, cause the last time i saw him, i didnt feel a thing, that was IT.....

I do believe in LOVE, but i also believe that LOVE changes, what was perfect becomes imperfect and life has a its ways to screw things up.... maybe i didnt love him enough, maybe i wasnt ready to make the big step...but the summary of all this is that i left and from time to time, i do feel a hole in my heart, i miss him terribly, i wish i could go back home and have him there waiting for me, but that is just loneliness talking, cause i know we wouldnt work anymore...is just not happening, and as much as i miss him, im full aware he wasnt THE GUY for me...but then again.. is there one????????

Maybe there is.... but im way to scared to actually accept him in my life... i think i have a tendency to find guys who I know will be no good, who i do not see a future with, and is all because i DONT want to COMMIT....im petrified, i love the feeling of belonginess u have in a committed relationship, but is too much work, and at this stage in my lfie, i just cant be bothered to put that amount of energy....

But will this feeling go away??will i be able to be wanting to commit to one person??? will i be able to accept a decent one in my life????

well, while i wait for those answers to be answered... i ll keep on partyin at weekends with the girls, dating for fun and enjoy every single minute of this life....cause that all i ve now..... :)

Two days in paris

2008-06-16T13:10:00.000-07:00

On Sat night i went to the movies with my gfs and we watched this amazin movie..TWO DAYS IN PARIS... i didnt ve high expectations of such movie, and i thought it was going to be a chickflick...but man... was i wrong..it disected relationships, and at the end, she says something so true...and relates totally to me... here it goes:
"It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses. "

So, please rent it out, is worth it!!!!!

a girls night out

2008-06-13T07:07:00.000-07:00

Last night i had a very nice night. For the first time in ages, i had a night out with a girl, and i didnt know how much i missed female bonding till then... my boys are cool and all, but sometimes you just need a female perspective...
She just came back to Dr, frm her studies abroad, and we kept complaining about the things we cant do here and the things we most miss about Europe... and there are so many...we both miss terribly go to the park, lie down and read books, and none bothering us , none trying to chat you up; we miss going to cafes and sit in complete silence, or go to clubs dressed the same way we went to class... but now that i look back what i miss the most is solitude.not loneliness, but just being quiet, in my own dimension and none around to bothering me....Amen europeans like the caribbean and latin countries for their lovely personality and cause you never feel alone, but its gets under your skin, when ppl dont seem to mind their bloody business, when ppl dont understand that one day, just one, for a few hours you need to be by yourself with your thoughts... and i know, i can do that in my house, but why should i retreat in my own house in order to be left alone, and why can i just lay down in a beach and enjoy the nature around me and the noise of the water??? Why??? Cause someone , out of nowhere will come and interrupt my thoughts... someone will come and ask me if i want dreadlocks, will ask me if i want something to drink, if i want something to eat...or there is always some bloody man who will ask you whats up? and women are not supposed to be alone in those places, and this whole thing is upsetting....

Im not a bitch nor am a ermitrania, im just someone who once in a while needs to enjoy life alone... and i did miss the warmth of the DR ppl, while i was in the UK, but i didnt miss it as much as i miss my privacy...

Oh.... and plus there is "what ppl might think talk" Jesus Christ, i can not even go to the supermarket that I WILL MEET someone that i know or that knows someone in my family, or to a CLUB (although i have been pretty lucky the last 2 fridays, i didnt see anyone i knew , apart frm the MBA ppl)... even the concierge,will talk about my arrival time to the house, and what car drove me home....uhmmm...so much gossiping, is exhausting...dont u all think???? I really dont care what ppl say, but my parents do...and i am a good grl (deep deep down) amen, i do not sleep around, i might snog a few ppl on the way, but i dont sleep just for the sake of sleeping, but i am independent, i go out when i please, i come back home whenever i want and i can drink like a man if i want to, i smoke cigarettes....and just cause all this traits, some ppl might think im a loose cannon...until the know me... and like my boys... respect me.....while there are others, who have a "pantalla", show to the outside world what they want to see , but are complete loose girls.... uhmmmmm

well... i have been rambling a lot lately... i better go... 2 nite is poker night at TO's place..and tmw we r going to watch independent movies... i ll keep u posted,

Another day

2008-06-12T07:46:00.000-07:00

We had an incident at the Embassy on Monday..One of the women that works here (and that have the contract directly with the Italian Govermenent) chained herself to her office chair. I still dont know why. She unchained herself on Tuesday, which meant that the Carabiniere had to sleep here..now i dont know how to feel towards her, is she just mental? or she is brave beyond measure? cause she most have had a good point to chain herself.. and she cant be fired cause only the Italian president can, and i doubt he was aware of what was going on in this little Embassy....uhmmmm

The things of this country.. i am considered at school the revolutionary/and the team leader, cause i dont shut up, amen, if the school is doing something wrong i ll talk about it, i wont be quiet..last night was one of those days.. we got to school and the Dean told us to be in the lecture room at 6 on the dot, we went there, only to hear him say that we wouldnt have lectures that day, cause the teacher told them he couldnt make it and they had a hard time finding a replacement. He said that the lecturer told them that same day, which is SO NOT TRUE, cause the lecturer told us on MONDAY that he wouldnt be able to give us any lectures for the rest of the month...so i guess they just forgot to send us an email telling us that..Amen, we are supposed to be in the BEST BUSINNESS SCHOOl in the country and this is what happens?? and was i supposed to keep quiet?? No no no, i just gave him my evil look, and he wouldnt look at me, cause he knew i was the one who would tell him 2 things straight to his face, i told him that was just silly, plus with the oil prices going up, it was a waste of my time and money.... he said sorry..thats the only thing he could say..... uhmmm....maybe i should chain myself to my school, lets see if they start acting like CEO, cause thats what they claim to be...

Since we had the afternoon off, is not like we would go to our houses..we went to a Bar, we had such an amazing time, after a couple of Cosmos y drank like 5 bottles of water ( i was driving and there was no way on earth i would drink and drive), and the boys were amazing, my abnoxious gf was there, but there was the buffer there, so no harm done... on friday night we planned a poker night at TO place...it will be fun(I LOVE POKER)!!!!!!!! i ll keep u posted

Las cuatro (sorry x los copyrights, pero les robe la idea a las chicas del Blog: Antes de los 30)

2008-06-11T07:58:00.000-07:00

Cuatro trabajos que he tenido:En orden cronológico...
1.-Traductora para estudiantes internacionales
2.- Ejecutiva de cuentas (PR)
3.- Consultora de la Embajada de Italia
4.- VP Marketing & PR

Cuatro películas que puedo ver una y otra vez:
1.- Stepmom
2.- Jules et Jill
3.- La vita e Bella
4.- When Harry met Sally

Cuatro lugares donde he vivido:
1.- Roma, Italy
2.- Santo Domingo, DR
3.- Leicester, UK
4.- London, UK

Cuatro programas de tv que me gusta ver:
1.- Sex and the city
2.- Greys Anatomy
3.- Gilmore Girls
4.- Gossip Girl

Cuatro lugares a donde he ido de vacaciones:
1.- BCN
2.- Caracas
3.- Washington
4.- Etiopia

Cuatro de mis comidas preferidas:
1.- Berenjena a la parmesana
2.- Chicken Tikka
3.- Bakhlava
4.- Lo que sea que mi madre cocine J

Cuatro sitios web que visito a diario:
1.- Facebook
2.- Gmail
3.- listin.com.do
4.- Times.co.uk

Cuatro lugares donde quisiera estar ahora:
1.- Mi cama
2.- Cayo Levantado, con un Ipod y unos cuantos libros
3.- En Leicester, en Vicky park, tirada en la grama, con mis amigos, bebiendo Chilled Chardonnay y leyendo libros.
4-En la casa de campo de mi abuelo, en Roma

Cuatro trabajos que me gustaría tener:
1.- Profesora de ninios pequenios
2.- Voluntaria para ninios huerfanos
3.- Editora de una revista de modas
4.- Viajar probando diferentes tipos de comidas…uhmmm (se mehace agua en la boca d tan solo pensarlo)

Cuatro famosos que he conocido:
Julio Iglesias

Cuatro platos que detesto:
1.- Cornflakes
2.- Conejo
3.- Pato
4.- Mondongo

Cuatro electrodomésticos que tengo, que sean fuera de lo común:
1.- todo normal en ese dpto…

Cuatro posibles primeras impresiones que causo:
1.- Reservada
2.- Come m.
3.- Sencilla
4.- Ironica

Cuatro copas favoritas:
1.- Chilled white wine
2.- Cubeta
3.- Vodka con cramberry
4.- Aftershock

Cuatro olores favoritos:
1.- La grama recien cortada
2.- El olor de la lluvia
3.- Vainilla
4.- Todos los perfumes de hombres

Cuatro cosas que me encanta hacer y que no tienen que ver con mi carrera:
1.- Cocinar
2.- Leer
3.- Yoga
4.- Ver TV :P (pero a lo mejor si tiene algo ke ver con mi carrera :P)

Cuatro cosas para las que estoy negado:
1.- Bailar Salsa, merengue, tango, cualquier cosa que requiera mover la colita
2.- Mentir (mis ojos no me dejan)
3.-Dejar de fumar
4.- ver la Floricienta con mi hermanita

Cuatro cosas que colecciono:
1.- portavasos
2.- Quotes
3.- Flores secas
4.- Recuerdos

Cuatro canciones favoritas:
1.- Fast Car (tracy Chapman)
2.- Otherwise (Morcheeba)
3.- Barefoot and dirty jeans (Peppercorn)
4.- Rolling Stone (bob Dylan)

Cuatro libros favoritos:
1.- Los Miserables (Victor Hugo)
2.- Cien Anios de Soledad (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
3.- Bridget Jones
4.-A long way down/ High Fidelity (Nick Hornby)

2nd week of june..

2008-06-11T07:23:00.000-07:00

Im having problem with a friend of mine, she is just abnoxious... she stresses me out, is needy and wants so much attention, every tiem i go out and i dont invite her she asks why i didnt invite her. Cammon!!! are we in highschool??? and im not talkin about another 25yrs old like me, no, she is 38, with a kid and divorced and really she is starting to piss me off big time.... How i wish my best friend was here with me :(

Well, im not having one of the best days 2day, i dont want to be at work..yet here i am, i want to be in bed...and im not...and i want icecream, but there is no ice cream near here.....ufffff

Life is a BItch

2008-05-29T07:13:00.000-07:00

all of the sudden all my boys problems seem shallow and ridiculous... extremely stupid i must say.. when the man i adore the most in this world is ill... my dad that is... had been disgnosied with cancer 2 years ago, had gone through 2 3 surgeries already and 2 therapies.. and last night we found out that he needs another theraphy cause the bloody cancer wont leave him... another theraphie that his heart might not accept... another chance to lose him forever.. and it tears me apart... on my way to work today tears just kept flowing..the pain is umbearable... i miss him already...
im afraid, very afraid... how am i supposed to handle it without him? life wuldnt be the same.. fcuk!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome to my life

2008-04-30T10:36:00.000-07:00

To say that my life is complicated/funny/strange.. is to be nice..my life is f..up...completely... dont get me wrong, I AM HAPPY, and i like my life..but is just that sometimes it surprises me and makes me wonder who on earth is playing with me??is it God, and then if is him i hope he is enjoying the ride....cause sometimes i enjoy it too....

I cant not start by telling my whole life, cause in that situation, i would never stand up from this chair, and i ll just keep writing and writing, i ll just go along with my daily life and throw in, once in a while the past...And it will happen..cause my past hunts me..day and night... like an unwanted guest, he appears at weird times....

i almost hate my job (one of the 2 i do), and im tired of grad school and my coursemates... well apparently im the glue that sticks them all togheter and makes them have fun..